up, down, i am coming around

what a roller coaster ride of emotions i have been on.  is it the holidays?  is it life without a car?  what?  so, i am changing my mind about it all i decided a few days ago, with the help of a very beautiful friend Suraya.  she called, and i answered and my heart fell open, she caught it, got it and loved it and returned it with a new view and i chose to accept the gift she offered.  the gift of choosing to look at things differently.  don't give up on the dreams and plans i had made to punish myself for the accident that happened.  she said many of the same things that Rich (the most amazing, compassionate, loving boyfriend in the whole world) has said to me before.  i needed to hear it from her at that moment.  thank you Suraya for making a difference in my life.  i am choosing to see things differently and in a more pleasurable and playful way.  for example, i will share....maybe it might help someone else....

instead of saying i have to go to work 

say

i get to go play at indigo moon today

i get to meet many people i have never met before

i get to serve yummy food to hungry people

ect.....

i am so grateful to have a place to learn new things and meet new people and make lots of money too!!!

another one i used at my house is

i love to play around my house, picking up all the fun things i have and putting them away.

i get to play with laundry and putting all the clean clothes is so much fun.

going to the laundry mat is an adventure

so there it is, a change of attitude really helps to get through the stuff of life that offers us learning opportunities to grow.

oh, another thing, it has help me with is choosing healthy food for my body.

instead of saying

i can't have that piece of toasted bread with goat cheese

i say i prefer to put vibrant alive food that gives me energy into my body

which helps because i am telling the truth to myself

anyway, this is the bit i have for a beautiful saturday morning before i get to go to indigo moon and play.  then afterwards, i am so grateful to have a date with my man.

hope this blog will inspire someone else to change their attitude about things, so it doesn't seem like such a struggle.

much love

i'll write about it

sometimes i don't find as much enjoyment writing about the dark stuff i wish to forget or deny.

it's part of the journey though, part of the process. i will write anyway...

days like yesterday and today just confirm to me what healthy is and feels like.  

and it IS NOT what i am feeling right now.

i choose right now to forgive myself.  it really is part of the experience.   

what happened?  well yesterday i started off with the green juice then i get to work and start doing my job of opening up the restaurant and all of a sudden i start to get cravings for this fresh baked bread that arrived from the bakery and my mind starts going off about the smell, the softness and freshness of the bread...i disregard the temptation and move along.  then after about an hour or so i get some news that the car i have been borrowing, since mine was totaled in the accident a few weeks ago, has been sold.  my wings have been clipped, i go to this place of fear and doubt and worry and all that dark negative stuff.  i know it's just a car, and i have become one who depends on it a couple of days a week.  anyway, i get this news and immediately i turn to the bread for comfort and security.  i even toast it and spread a small amount of goat cheese on it.  ok, it doesn't stop there it goes to coffee with cream and i dipped ginger bread in it.  i could go on and i won't, you get the disappointing point.  i do get some instant relief and contentment, oh, for about 5 minutes then i feel AWFUL and i want to throw up. i am feeling bad and i realize this is the circle of self abuse and i just began the game with myself.

this car accident has reminded me of a lesson about myself. i am still healing, and  something i forget about a lot is i am still not in charge!   i like to think i am then something happens and shows me another way.

it doesn't look as though i will be on track for going through with the complete raw chef series at Living Light in january.  i just can't seen to get past the accident and the thoughts of not having a car.  i feel bad and i guess undeserving of the opportunity to go.  i feel like somehow i should punish myself.  i know how self absorbed that sounds.  i am pretty down and depressed right now.  numbing out with food only lasts so long then i have to face what comes up.  i keep saying why does my life have to always be so freaking complicated?  my heart always desires the best most positive experience and yet it seems to be a up hill battle for me.

this food addiction problem has been in my life since i was born.  i can always remember using food to comfort, protect, abuse, manipulate myself.  it's a lie, it's totally an illusion i know, it's just the coping drug that was convenient since i was a baby girl.  when i had any emotion at all i was given food instead of love.  i AM NOT blaming my parents at all it was just what they knew and i inherited these habits and accepted them.  now i have spent my adult life figuring out how to release them.  living a healthy and raw life style has been the one way that i have made progress through the food addiction drama.  raw food doesn't allow one to be suppressed, depressed, it actually has allowed me to process so many hidden emotions.  juicing brings me back to life and frees me.  

i have to end this now. i almost want to erase what i wrote and i wont, maybe someone else needs to read it.

what a difference GREENS make

i am a  juicing Queen the last 10 days using almost all green foods like, celery, kale, cucumber, green apple, swiss chard,  cabbage, dandylion and fresh herbs like  parsley, cilantro, mint, water crest and green lettuces like arugala and mustard greens and at least a half a pound of fresh local organic spinach a day!!!  also added to the mix is Spirilina (natures first food) which i have pretty much come to really LOVE!  the combinations of all these foods varies depending on my mood and what sounds great at the time.  i also add meyer lemons, garlic and ginger and a carrot here and there for fun.  ...oh what fun...

how do i feel?  i feel much happier, healthier and balanced with my body.  the greens and extra juicing have put me back on track with where i wish to go.  

the cloud over my head is totally gone and i am eager to get back up on the fitness program this week. i feel the knee injury from the car accident has had enough time to heal.

emotionally, the juicing helped me to recover there as well and i am very thankful!  

since i cut out the yerbe matte (stimulant), i have noticed that makes a difference in keeping my energy level at a more even flow.  there for a while i noticed a slight addiction/reliance on the effects that it had on getting me going in the morning.  while the first 3 days of juicing i slept a couple of hours less each night and felt more rested and could easily move through the morning on herbal tea alone.  yeah for that!

the holiday blues have turned into motivation and inspiration to be creative to use what i have to make gift for my friends and family this year.  

i am SOOOOO grateful that i had a long conversation with taylor tonight on the phone.  he is so smart and so amazing to talk to.  he got a little care package ready to mail me tomorrow.  he included a book report he did for school, school pictures and dirt biking pictures of cody that he printed off of myspace and cut out and a piece of orgami.  so cute.  i pray i receive it well. i love my babies so much and i am holding onto hope and saying a prayer tonight that i will get to see them the year for christmas.  i can visualize and  feel what that will be like.  i will call diane (grandma) tomorrow and see if something, anything can be arranged.  

on other matters, i am grateful for my job providing me with the money i require to go to living light and study raw food.  i am manifesting another $800 dollars in the next 9 days to finish paying off my tuition.  however that comes to me fairly, i am open to.  i know that living light is where i am to be next month and i acknowledge the process i have to go through to get there.  i am grateful for the opportunity.

that's pretty much all i have for tonight i am ready to indulge in the Anastasia book i am reading.

much LOVE

it's a juicy day

So, i decided to juice all mostly local organic fruits and veggies for the next few days.  

i have been feeling a bit out of balance and by that i am talking about craving certain cooked foods that are not okay for me and  i need to tame my mind and get back on track and this is the way i do it.

i "juice it up" as rich likes to say.  

today i had wonderful combinations of spinach, kale, celery, cucumber, carrot, turmeric & ginger root,  garlic, dandelion, parsley.  i have been hitting the yogi tea pretty hard too.  (ha)

the tag on my tea bag i am drinking from right now says

 "Life is a chance. Love in infinity. Grace is reality"

nice, simple and sweet. 

just like the juice i drink.   

this is all i really have  to blog tonight.  

i am ready to cozy up in bed with a good book.

much Love

Countdown

to the day after christmas, when all this pressure will finally be over.  the cards, decorations, presents, songs, advertising, rushing around....me, i just would like to minimize it all.  i have said this many times before but the holidays are over rated and over marketed.  i rebel and retreat to my own beat.

i don't mean to be a scrooge it's just that i feel like the world is WAY off balance and i am not into it.  there is a WAR going on that we can't ignore and go on consuming like we are.

something i enjoy is the spirit of giving.  giving of LOVE, HOPE, COURAGE, FAITH, a simple song, a warm hug, eye contact, an open heart, a story, a walk or anything that is given freely.  

Living Light

(I really like the photo booth option on the mac book.  it works well with the blog spot.  i also like this whole blog spot deal.)

 

Anyway, i am still here at the Inn in Fort Bragg.... 

Today i went and toured the school and i really like it a lot.  the students i have met are super nice too.  

i toured around town looking at potential places to stay while i go to school and i feel drawn the most to Living Light Inn, so i reserved a shared room for the 21 days that i am here in January.  Oh, my Goddess it is SOOOO COLD here.  i feel the winter weather here.  

today i started the food plan/journal.  and i think it is going to work.  i tested it all day.  this morning when i woke up i planned out the food i was going to eat and i followed it.  the journal plan kept me from making spontaneous food choices that where NOT in my best interest.

i also bought a new book that jumped out at me today called "mindless eating".  

tomorrow i head back to the central coast.  back to the moon to serve up some more cooked food to pay the bills.  i do give gratitude for all that the job has provided me.... i just know the difference now and that offers me the challenge of staying with it until its time to go.

for the next month i will be looking into a couple of ways to help me pay for tuition.  

i have fully committed to attending school here in january and now i have to allow the universe to take care of the details.

it's going to be a joy ride!!!

Here in Fort Bragg

i am on a wonderful adventure!  i just checked in a little while ago to the cozy, eco-friendly Living Light Inn.  i love everything about staying here so far.  i felt very welcome and at "home" right away. the thing that thrills me the most is that it is all organic and the kitchen is stocked with all the items a raw vegan eater could dream up. oh and the first thing i did was take a LONG soak in the big bath tub. 

the ocean is just down the street and so is the middle of town.  kind of like where i live in Cambria. 

  

the drive up here was nice.  i listened to a recording of the raw summit with angella stokes.  i gleamed some new helpful tips from her interview i plan to use.  the food plan idea is a great idea for me right now.

i left last night and drove to oakland and stayed with Leah.  then this morning we got up and went to Gratitude Cafe for a little late breakfast.  i kept it light with a yummy juice of kale, celery, apple and ginger.

i am still feeling the effects of the poison (processed sugar) i put into my body a couple of days ago.  i woke up yesterday and today with a puffy face and my body felt so sluggish and i felt down.  i call this a food hang over.  i can not do this to myself.  it takes days to recover.

so, with the new idea of a food plan and the motivation of being around the idea of attending Living Light i am back on the path to positive health and living for good!

no more negative food for me, it makes me feel like crap!!!

the food plan should be done in the morning and i will follow through.  i am starting this tomorrow and following it for 7 days.  lots of juicing for sure.

tomorrow i will wake up early and walk down to the school and get a tour at 10am.

gotta go check out some local music at the coffee shop....

good night!

time will tell

i want what i want, when i want it, damn it!!!  that isn't very virtuous, i know, and it is the truth for me so much of the time.

this blog has and is really about ME, ME, and ME.  i am in this mood, this space of mine at home feeling like i don't want to do anything although i want it all done for me.

i wish i didn't have to deal this the whole car wreck insurance and claim crap, i wish my house would pack & move itself into storage, and so on.  

okay, so tonight i will just pack another two boxes and call it a night.  tomorrow i will call the claim person back about the details of the accident she wants to know about.  

there.  

one thing at a time. 

a note on the bright side, i spoke with my beautiful boys tonight and i got to share some Love with them.  

i will see them soon.  

alright this blog is it for me tonight, i have to get away from the computer and get into moving mode.

oh, ya, a bit about food.  i have noticed since the accident i have gravitated towards some cooked food  (for the wrong kind of comfort) and that has been so negative for me.  tomorrow is a new day this is a new moment and that is not going to continue to be consumed by the wrong kinds of food.  

this experience has showed me once again how i can use food to feed my emotions and wow it's so strong at times... that this will take a super hero to break me away from this addiction... 

 

Surrender

i woke up this morning in such pain and sadness still!  i barely slept last night, the sadness kept waking me up to say yep, this is sadness, then the sound of the wreck would play over and over, then the mind processing the whole event....was is my fault, his fault, why did this happen????

i have to remember that i am not alone in this, car wrecks happen everyday.  we are super lucky to have walked away, and life will go on.    

maybe i am not ready to leave my house.  maybe i am not meant to go to Living Light right now.  is this what had to happen to slow me down?

therefor i surrender.  i am surrendering to the place in me that knows more.  the Light, the Love the Greater Forces at work in the bigger picture.  i can say God and that feels real too.  i have faith.  i am doing my best to accept the truth of this and move along and not get stuck.

last night while i was laying in bed feeling all the physical pain a book beside my bed that i have been wanting to read for a couple of months now spoke to me..."You can Heal your life" by Louise Hay.  How appropriate at a this moment.  so i began to read it and truly the pages spoke to me.  the art work followed.  such a beautiful inspiring book.  one of the most beautiful i have ever read.  

the thing that really stuck with me she said.... the hardest thing for me to do and how much i resist it, then i am looking at the greatest lesson at that moment. Surrendering, giving up the resistance, and allowing myself to learn what it is i need to learn will make the next step easier.  don't let resistance stop me from making the changes.  observe, watch myself resist, and then go ahead anyway.

Slow Down

well, fuck, there's nothing more irritating than life slowing you down just when you get on a roll!   the lesson for me today is SLOW THE FUCK DOWN AND BE PRESENT IN EVERY MOMENT or greater forces alive will do it for me!

now i lay here at stop still and forced to be with the pain all over my body.  

the pain is caused by a collision i had with another car this morning on highway one.  thanking god right now that nobody was seriously injured physically.  all of us walked away.  my car is totaled and the other car drove away and i am not sure who's fault they are going to say it is.  i truly don't think it was mine.  i had no other choice than to crash into the car in front of me.  i guess blame really is not the point of all this anyway.  

i am not really sure there is a point.  

just sadness and healing i am working through right now.  

that's it 

Letting go

just a bit more about letting go then i am REALLY letting go.....i promise to myself!

i had a good cry last night.  the tears came from the place of sadness that is where i left my boys.  i wish so much to be near them that it hurts so i cry and cry.  afterwards i fall asleep and see them in my dreams.  we are together and feeling so much love and comfort.  i felt taylor's head near my heart and cody right beside.  i know they love me and they know i love them.  i just have to practice patience in that our time to be together again will be soon.

i am proud of myself for not eating my way through the emotional garbage that came up last night, shoving it down further... instead i chose to acknowledge the feelings and feel them instead of ignoring them and covering them up.  yeah for me that is a big step!

letting go of ideas i have in my head will serve me just like letting go of the clutter around me does.  it allows space for me to grow.  here again i am letting go!

letting go is the theme for today.  that works well since i am packing and emotionally ready to break free of the bondage of my mind.  it does not mean that i am letting go of the memories though.  those are in my heart forever.  i am letting go of the hurt and pain that doesn't serve me anymore.

on a more positive note i am doing lots and lots of workouts, sometimes twice a day.  i am feeding my body THE BEST food available.  i am finishing unfinished business and moving right along on the packing scene in my house.  i am SUPER excited!

i received the confirmation from Living Light in the mail today.  they received my first tuition payment and i am enrolled!  they included a packing list and all the things i need to know about the school, classes and staying in fort bragg!  i leave on Tuesday evening to head up there with my mom to visit for two days.  

anyway, that's it for now.  i have to stop procrastinating and get to living.

The Holiday's are so Tough

why is it that i feel this sadness inside during the holiday's?  

why do i just want to be with myself and be sad?  

i have so much to be grateful for.... loving parents who care, two healthy & happy boys, an amazing beyond belief boyfriend who adores me, the greatest friends on the planet, i am in the BEST health of my life and totally taken care of and on and on.....

...yet when it comes to the pressure of this time of the year i retreat and feel sadness.

okay, yes i do know where most of it comes from and that is the piece of my life that still is left open and unfinished.  the sadness i feel comes from not being with the ones i love most in this world, the two babies i brought into this world.  without them during this time i feel so incredibly sad, mostly because this is the time of the year where families come together and mine is torn apart, even after all these years.

i will ask for what i REALLY want in my heart right now.  

i wish to replace this sadness with Love for the WHOLE Ayers family.  

i LET GO of resentment, fear and anger and embrace the HOPE and FAITH that we can all come together in LOVE for Cody & Taylor.

what i choose to imagine is a family sharing in the joys of the holiday spirit.  

right now i will do my best to focus on that and not the sadness i feel in my heart.  as i have noticed is that the more i focus on "it" the more "it" expands and i choose "it" to be positive.

well i am glad i got that all worked out for today, that was pretty heavy to wake up to on a monday morning....

i am off for a walk.

much love

Making Big BIG Changes right now!!!

SO.....

i AM making some big changes....

i made a decision to attend Living Light Raw Vegan Culinary Arts Institute in Fort Bragg - on the Mendocino Coast 6 hours North of where i live right now.  I will live there while attending the school.  Classes begin on January 19th, which is my 32nd birthday and end February 8th.  They are the fundamentals and essentials, the science behind the food and ending with a Raw Culinary Arts Associate Chef and Instructor Certification.  i plan on going further into advanced classes in the future.  For right now i am starting here.

i gave my 30 day notice at my house and a two month notice at my job. the plan is to put the few things i am still holding onto (scrapbooks, pictures) into storage.  then head up north to experience what it is like BE there.  

Outwardly i am purging, wrapping up and packing away all the "things" in my home.  Super exciting, it feels really freeing to going through this process right now. How nice is it that i live right across the street from a thrift store that's profits go to the homeless animal rescue?  it makes getting rid of stuff SO EASY!  

i am working as much as i can to earn the money i still need for tuition.  the total i still need to get in is $3510. by the 18th of December.  i made the first deposit of $900 to hold my space.  beyond that i still need to pay for lodging at the school which is $30 a night.  

Inward i am am fighting off the "monkey mind" that wants to stop me from making this change and that is such a challenge for me to get past sometimes.  i feel really confident in this change that i can override the bs my head can come up with most of the time.   

the holidays are approaching and it's a tough one for me when i still am being denied my children.  i have been taking action to get through the court crap.  

i am visualizing an AMAZING HEALING AND VIBRANT 2008!!