Happy Earth Day!
tonight i planted seeds outside the door of the house i live in. nasturtiums and borage. it is so breezy and cold out there.
so i came in and made some herbal tea from the new blends i brought home from the secret garden. ummmm, the favorite so far is the balancing tea...sarsaparilla root, licorice root, carob, cardamom and ginger root.
i also celebrated that today is my independance day as renee named it. the day i gave the notice at work that i am leaving.
i will share, that when the owner walked in today i froze and my stomach tied up in knots and i felt sick. the feeling reminded me of when i was married and my ex husband would come home. the anxiety i felt. after i gave my notice the knots began to slowly ease up.
i am grateful to have had this experience and this job has taught me many things about myself. this job offered me opportunities to speak up for myself and get clearity during conflicts. i faced up to difficult challenges and practiced staying present even when i wanted to check out. add to that all the wonderful people i was able to serve, which my my job totally enjoyable. i am grateful that i have supported myself there. i am just grateful for the experience period and i am TOTALLY GRATEFUL it will be over soon.
looking forward to moving on.
the month of may will be one for me to focus on the last 35 days of the juice feast. i will teach a few Live Food Classes, possibly a juice cleansing class, attend a woman's retreat and go to Lighting in a Bottle Festival for 4 days at the end of the month. the days in between will be spent taking care of me & juicing/healing/fitness. oh, and packing to move. that's a big one.
i am really looking forward to all the transition happening. in the past 53 days so much has already happened for me.
i haven't mentioned this yet. i think it's important to document. in the last two weeks 3 people from the past have contacted me.
one, a guy i had a short relationship with 2 and half years ago, called out of the blue and we chatted for a while, caught up with small talk. then after we ended the conversation he called back and said he was sorry. i said sorry for what? he said for treating me so bad while we dated. he was just now coming to terms with it. that meant so much to me that he fully acknowledged the hurt he caused me and asked for forgiveness.
another person, an ex girlfriend of my ex husbands, found me on my space and sent me a message. now it's been 4 years since our last contact. she used to send me energy daggers and say really mean words to me and to my kids about me. it hurt me so much because i just wanted to be friends and have harmony between us. she believed everything that my ex said about me. her email told me how she has turned it all around and sees me through different eyes and admires the path i am on. she too asked for forgiveness.
then, there is an old friend who i consider to be a soul sister. we had such amazing energy together one summer 3 years ago. you could say that together we were creating magic all around us. then all of a sudden she turned her back and shut the door and our relationship came to end without notice or explanation. that hurt, and over time i healed & accepted it and moved on in life. well, she found me on my space too through a mutual friend and sent me an email and it said that she was sorry for ending our friendship. it had nothing to do with me and it was something she was going through at the time and could i forgive her?
you see, all three of these friends i forgave along time ago without there knowledge. i have always had nothing but LOVE for them all. i am grateful that they felt willing & open to bring it around to me years later.
this gives me hope.
i desire that the same energy that flows through these past connections to also flow through the connection between me and the ayers family. i pray for our family to be reconnected and to heal.
i know it is possible and it all starts with willingness and awareness and openness. i couldn't be more of any of those.
on day 53 of this juice feast i feel that i am processing past relationships on a deep level. i am visualizing the clearing out of old stuff that has been covered up and stored in my cells and now there is openness for FRESH NEW ALIVE relationships & stuff to come in.
the dreams i have had recently are about letting go of past relationships.
part of me leaving my job is clearing out old stuff that isn't serving my greatest good right now.
well, this is it for me tonight. i hope some of this made some sense. i know it does for me and it feels good to type it out .
much LOVE
p.s. honey, i am saying a BIG HEALING prayer for mom tonight.
i like this picture of me. i know what i am feeling inside at that moment. i am feeling inspired by nature and Love for myself and all that surrounds me. i get that feeling most often when i am on the healthy living routine that i set up for myself. i feel a natural source of energy surging through my veins and the mind is clearer and Love is flowing freely. it's easy for me to connect with myself and others when i am feeling this way. i am on such a transformational journey with myself, as if it is a full time job, that i am able to recognize the behavior patterns, physical & emotional differences and the mind games that show up. i have taken to this journey seriously for myself, life and in effect the world.
