it's part of the journey though, part of the process. i will write anyway...
days like yesterday and today just confirm to me what healthy is and feels like.
and it IS NOT what i am feeling right now.
i choose right now to forgive myself. it really is part of the experience.
what happened? well yesterday i started off with the green juice then i get to work and start doing my job of opening up the restaurant and all of a sudden i start to get cravings for this fresh baked bread that arrived from the bakery and my mind starts going off about the smell, the softness and freshness of the bread...i disregard the temptation and move along. then after about an hour or so i get some news that the car i have been borrowing, since mine was totaled in the accident a few weeks ago, has been sold. my wings have been clipped, i go to this place of fear and doubt and worry and all that dark negative stuff. i know it's just a car, and i have become one who depends on it a couple of days a week. anyway, i get this news and immediately i turn to the bread for comfort and security. i even toast it and spread a small amount of goat cheese on it. ok, it doesn't stop there it goes to coffee with cream and i dipped ginger bread in it. i could go on and i won't, you get the disappointing point. i do get some instant relief and contentment, oh, for about 5 minutes then i feel AWFUL and i want to throw up. i am feeling bad and i realize this is the circle of self abuse and i just began the game with myself.
this car accident has reminded me of a lesson about myself. i am still healing, and something i forget about a lot is i am still not in charge! i like to think i am then something happens and shows me another way.
it doesn't look as though i will be on track for going through with the complete raw chef series at Living Light in january. i just can't seen to get past the accident and the thoughts of not having a car. i feel bad and i guess undeserving of the opportunity to go. i feel like somehow i should punish myself. i know how self absorbed that sounds. i am pretty down and depressed right now. numbing out with food only lasts so long then i have to face what comes up. i keep saying why does my life have to always be so freaking complicated? my heart always desires the best most positive experience and yet it seems to be a up hill battle for me.
this food addiction problem has been in my life since i was born. i can always remember using food to comfort, protect, abuse, manipulate myself. it's a lie, it's totally an illusion i know, it's just the coping drug that was convenient since i was a baby girl. when i had any emotion at all i was given food instead of love. i AM NOT blaming my parents at all it was just what they knew and i inherited these habits and accepted them. now i have spent my adult life figuring out how to release them. living a healthy and raw life style has been the one way that i have made progress through the food addiction drama. raw food doesn't allow one to be suppressed, depressed, it actually has allowed me to process so many hidden emotions. juicing brings me back to life and frees me.
i have to end this now. i almost want to erase what i wrote and i wont, maybe someone else needs to read it.
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