Living Light

(I really like the photo booth option on the mac book.  it works well with the blog spot.  i also like this whole blog spot deal.)

 

Anyway, i am still here at the Inn in Fort Bragg.... 

Today i went and toured the school and i really like it a lot.  the students i have met are super nice too.  

i toured around town looking at potential places to stay while i go to school and i feel drawn the most to Living Light Inn, so i reserved a shared room for the 21 days that i am here in January.  Oh, my Goddess it is SOOOO COLD here.  i feel the winter weather here.  

today i started the food plan/journal.  and i think it is going to work.  i tested it all day.  this morning when i woke up i planned out the food i was going to eat and i followed it.  the journal plan kept me from making spontaneous food choices that where NOT in my best interest.

i also bought a new book that jumped out at me today called "mindless eating".  

tomorrow i head back to the central coast.  back to the moon to serve up some more cooked food to pay the bills.  i do give gratitude for all that the job has provided me.... i just know the difference now and that offers me the challenge of staying with it until its time to go.

for the next month i will be looking into a couple of ways to help me pay for tuition.  

i have fully committed to attending school here in january and now i have to allow the universe to take care of the details.

it's going to be a joy ride!!!

Here in Fort Bragg

i am on a wonderful adventure!  i just checked in a little while ago to the cozy, eco-friendly Living Light Inn.  i love everything about staying here so far.  i felt very welcome and at "home" right away. the thing that thrills me the most is that it is all organic and the kitchen is stocked with all the items a raw vegan eater could dream up. oh and the first thing i did was take a LONG soak in the big bath tub. 

the ocean is just down the street and so is the middle of town.  kind of like where i live in Cambria. 

  

the drive up here was nice.  i listened to a recording of the raw summit with angella stokes.  i gleamed some new helpful tips from her interview i plan to use.  the food plan idea is a great idea for me right now.

i left last night and drove to oakland and stayed with Leah.  then this morning we got up and went to Gratitude Cafe for a little late breakfast.  i kept it light with a yummy juice of kale, celery, apple and ginger.

i am still feeling the effects of the poison (processed sugar) i put into my body a couple of days ago.  i woke up yesterday and today with a puffy face and my body felt so sluggish and i felt down.  i call this a food hang over.  i can not do this to myself.  it takes days to recover.

so, with the new idea of a food plan and the motivation of being around the idea of attending Living Light i am back on the path to positive health and living for good!

no more negative food for me, it makes me feel like crap!!!

the food plan should be done in the morning and i will follow through.  i am starting this tomorrow and following it for 7 days.  lots of juicing for sure.

tomorrow i will wake up early and walk down to the school and get a tour at 10am.

gotta go check out some local music at the coffee shop....

good night!

time will tell

i want what i want, when i want it, damn it!!!  that isn't very virtuous, i know, and it is the truth for me so much of the time.

this blog has and is really about ME, ME, and ME.  i am in this mood, this space of mine at home feeling like i don't want to do anything although i want it all done for me.

i wish i didn't have to deal this the whole car wreck insurance and claim crap, i wish my house would pack & move itself into storage, and so on.  

okay, so tonight i will just pack another two boxes and call it a night.  tomorrow i will call the claim person back about the details of the accident she wants to know about.  

there.  

one thing at a time. 

a note on the bright side, i spoke with my beautiful boys tonight and i got to share some Love with them.  

i will see them soon.  

alright this blog is it for me tonight, i have to get away from the computer and get into moving mode.

oh, ya, a bit about food.  i have noticed since the accident i have gravitated towards some cooked food  (for the wrong kind of comfort) and that has been so negative for me.  tomorrow is a new day this is a new moment and that is not going to continue to be consumed by the wrong kinds of food.  

this experience has showed me once again how i can use food to feed my emotions and wow it's so strong at times... that this will take a super hero to break me away from this addiction... 

 

Surrender

i woke up this morning in such pain and sadness still!  i barely slept last night, the sadness kept waking me up to say yep, this is sadness, then the sound of the wreck would play over and over, then the mind processing the whole event....was is my fault, his fault, why did this happen????

i have to remember that i am not alone in this, car wrecks happen everyday.  we are super lucky to have walked away, and life will go on.    

maybe i am not ready to leave my house.  maybe i am not meant to go to Living Light right now.  is this what had to happen to slow me down?

therefor i surrender.  i am surrendering to the place in me that knows more.  the Light, the Love the Greater Forces at work in the bigger picture.  i can say God and that feels real too.  i have faith.  i am doing my best to accept the truth of this and move along and not get stuck.

last night while i was laying in bed feeling all the physical pain a book beside my bed that i have been wanting to read for a couple of months now spoke to me..."You can Heal your life" by Louise Hay.  How appropriate at a this moment.  so i began to read it and truly the pages spoke to me.  the art work followed.  such a beautiful inspiring book.  one of the most beautiful i have ever read.  

the thing that really stuck with me she said.... the hardest thing for me to do and how much i resist it, then i am looking at the greatest lesson at that moment. Surrendering, giving up the resistance, and allowing myself to learn what it is i need to learn will make the next step easier.  don't let resistance stop me from making the changes.  observe, watch myself resist, and then go ahead anyway.

Slow Down

well, fuck, there's nothing more irritating than life slowing you down just when you get on a roll!   the lesson for me today is SLOW THE FUCK DOWN AND BE PRESENT IN EVERY MOMENT or greater forces alive will do it for me!

now i lay here at stop still and forced to be with the pain all over my body.  

the pain is caused by a collision i had with another car this morning on highway one.  thanking god right now that nobody was seriously injured physically.  all of us walked away.  my car is totaled and the other car drove away and i am not sure who's fault they are going to say it is.  i truly don't think it was mine.  i had no other choice than to crash into the car in front of me.  i guess blame really is not the point of all this anyway.  

i am not really sure there is a point.  

just sadness and healing i am working through right now.  

that's it 

Letting go

just a bit more about letting go then i am REALLY letting go.....i promise to myself!

i had a good cry last night.  the tears came from the place of sadness that is where i left my boys.  i wish so much to be near them that it hurts so i cry and cry.  afterwards i fall asleep and see them in my dreams.  we are together and feeling so much love and comfort.  i felt taylor's head near my heart and cody right beside.  i know they love me and they know i love them.  i just have to practice patience in that our time to be together again will be soon.

i am proud of myself for not eating my way through the emotional garbage that came up last night, shoving it down further... instead i chose to acknowledge the feelings and feel them instead of ignoring them and covering them up.  yeah for me that is a big step!

letting go of ideas i have in my head will serve me just like letting go of the clutter around me does.  it allows space for me to grow.  here again i am letting go!

letting go is the theme for today.  that works well since i am packing and emotionally ready to break free of the bondage of my mind.  it does not mean that i am letting go of the memories though.  those are in my heart forever.  i am letting go of the hurt and pain that doesn't serve me anymore.

on a more positive note i am doing lots and lots of workouts, sometimes twice a day.  i am feeding my body THE BEST food available.  i am finishing unfinished business and moving right along on the packing scene in my house.  i am SUPER excited!

i received the confirmation from Living Light in the mail today.  they received my first tuition payment and i am enrolled!  they included a packing list and all the things i need to know about the school, classes and staying in fort bragg!  i leave on Tuesday evening to head up there with my mom to visit for two days.  

anyway, that's it for now.  i have to stop procrastinating and get to living.

The Holiday's are so Tough

why is it that i feel this sadness inside during the holiday's?  

why do i just want to be with myself and be sad?  

i have so much to be grateful for.... loving parents who care, two healthy & happy boys, an amazing beyond belief boyfriend who adores me, the greatest friends on the planet, i am in the BEST health of my life and totally taken care of and on and on.....

...yet when it comes to the pressure of this time of the year i retreat and feel sadness.

okay, yes i do know where most of it comes from and that is the piece of my life that still is left open and unfinished.  the sadness i feel comes from not being with the ones i love most in this world, the two babies i brought into this world.  without them during this time i feel so incredibly sad, mostly because this is the time of the year where families come together and mine is torn apart, even after all these years.

i will ask for what i REALLY want in my heart right now.  

i wish to replace this sadness with Love for the WHOLE Ayers family.  

i LET GO of resentment, fear and anger and embrace the HOPE and FAITH that we can all come together in LOVE for Cody & Taylor.

what i choose to imagine is a family sharing in the joys of the holiday spirit.  

right now i will do my best to focus on that and not the sadness i feel in my heart.  as i have noticed is that the more i focus on "it" the more "it" expands and i choose "it" to be positive.

well i am glad i got that all worked out for today, that was pretty heavy to wake up to on a monday morning....

i am off for a walk.

much love

Making Big BIG Changes right now!!!

SO.....

i AM making some big changes....

i made a decision to attend Living Light Raw Vegan Culinary Arts Institute in Fort Bragg - on the Mendocino Coast 6 hours North of where i live right now.  I will live there while attending the school.  Classes begin on January 19th, which is my 32nd birthday and end February 8th.  They are the fundamentals and essentials, the science behind the food and ending with a Raw Culinary Arts Associate Chef and Instructor Certification.  i plan on going further into advanced classes in the future.  For right now i am starting here.

i gave my 30 day notice at my house and a two month notice at my job. the plan is to put the few things i am still holding onto (scrapbooks, pictures) into storage.  then head up north to experience what it is like BE there.  

Outwardly i am purging, wrapping up and packing away all the "things" in my home.  Super exciting, it feels really freeing to going through this process right now. How nice is it that i live right across the street from a thrift store that's profits go to the homeless animal rescue?  it makes getting rid of stuff SO EASY!  

i am working as much as i can to earn the money i still need for tuition.  the total i still need to get in is $3510. by the 18th of December.  i made the first deposit of $900 to hold my space.  beyond that i still need to pay for lodging at the school which is $30 a night.  

Inward i am am fighting off the "monkey mind" that wants to stop me from making this change and that is such a challenge for me to get past sometimes.  i feel really confident in this change that i can override the bs my head can come up with most of the time.   

the holidays are approaching and it's a tough one for me when i still am being denied my children.  i have been taking action to get through the court crap.  

i am visualizing an AMAZING HEALING AND VIBRANT 2008!!