Mountain Pride

i love this picture i took today.  my little home in the background.

i am writing tonight with just a few things to say then i am taking the night off tomorrow night to surprise my honey with a get away evening.  i love it, he has no idea what tomorrow evening has in store for him.  i love to surprise him.

today was interesting, relaxing and somewhat productive.  i did an hour of Nia, an hour of pilates first thing this morning.  came home and started to prepare my space for JUICE FEASTING!!!  bagging up all the food to pass on, cleaning up the kitchen making space for the new juicer to arrive (it was shipped yesterday).  making out the shopping list for the up coming week.  i paid bills, mailed a letter, checked in on an old friend, make a new batch of kombucha.  this time with green tea and honey.  i am going extreme on this.  all the research says NOT to substitute sugar but i am...i don't want sugar in my komucha.  the lady who taught me said only use lipton black tea and i didn't want that either, so i am rebelling and giving it my best shot using what i feel i want.  who knows i might create something wonderful.  i just pray the baby doesn't die.  i watched a couple of really great movies...the "wild parrots of telegraph hill" and a Buddhist type of one called "spring, summer, fall, winter and spring".   the sun went down with a nice long walk up bridge street hill and through the forest, where i took a whole new trail and had some excitement getting "lost".

i am proud of myself for something else i did today.....i took my flower essences and got up the courage to walk across the street to talk to my boss about the way i have been feeling about my job there.  not knowing if i was going to come home without a job i had to lay it all out....clear the air because i had a BUNCH of built up tension and it was making me stressed.

VERY LITTLE STRESS THROUGH THE JUICE FEAST IS REQUIRED TO FULLY DETOX!

i was doing this for my health and had to let go of the attachments i have to working there.  things worked out and i will still continue to work there for now.  the money is good and for now it is working.

i am feeling called out of cambria and closer to cody and taylor.  i don't have a car still and i just feel like the city has more options.  i could make it work here and we will see what the future has in store.

it's bed time and i won't be blogging for a couple of days so next time i do i will be a lot more juicy! 

much LOVE

i LOVE blogging...

for one it keeps me in touch with my family & friends.  lets them know what is going on in my life without me having to fill them in every time, they already know through reading the blogs.  

the most important part of blogging is for me (in addition to my own private journals)  i have a recorded history and a place to get my thoughts out.  a place and form of expression.  

this is going to be quick tonight as i am ready to get cozy in bed with a new library book (i check out 15 new ones today).  i now have books on aroma & herbal therapy, soul stories, angels, cat care, raw food recipes, belly dancing & yoga dvds, and soooo much more.

today renee and i worked on court paperwork to file a response with the court regarding the papers i was served for child support and to seek work.  the response was quite lengthy because it's a big fraudulent mess to respond to.  at first i felt a dark cloud come over me and i felt hopeless, and i wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and hide until this part of my life is over.  then renee gave me flower essences and i felt more able to clear through the dark cloud and sort through the piles of legal paperwork.  

here's to the POWER OF FLOWERS!!!  let me tell you!

that was the extent of my day pretty much.  it's all i could handle.  oh, except for the phone call to TAYLOR....we got to talk for a good 15 minutes before his grandma said he had to get off the phone to do his homework.  he loved coming home to find the birthday balloons and gifts i left at the door last night.  he was eating the granola bars i made for him when i called.  we talked about what was in them and about eating organic.  he even mentioned meeting this weekend and i said anytime anywhere i will be there.

yeah for that.  progress is happening & we deserve this to happen!!!  after that prayer renee and i made last night i KNOW that the tides are turning!!!

tonight i will be visualizing that happening and what that feels like.

good night!

Happy Birthday Taylor!

i was unable to see taylor today.  the phone calls to diane went ignored and unanswered as i knew they would.  it's ok.  things are going to turn around very soon.  i called this morning to wish taylor a beautiful day and that was great!  what is even better (THANK YOU RENEE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART) is she drove me all the way out to their house aka the ayers compound and i left the gifts at the door (nobody was home).  i was shaking as we drove the distance down the long dirt road.  my eyes pealed on any detail or sign of cody & taylor and their surroundings.  a little hat left hanging on the fence, their bikes, dexter the dog...this is the first time i have been out to the property in well over 3 years.  it's scary and cold and dark and i have a whole lotta fear that surrounds that place so going out there to seek my children that i haven't seen in just as long is a HUGE MONUMENT for me.  i did it though, with support.

on other news...i am continuing to follow the pre-juice feasting habits.still ready as ever to get this journey on the go and at the same time saying goodbye to some favorite foods for a few months.  i have 3 avocados left...some walnuts & dates i will make milk out of tomorrow, finishing up the bananas and nut butters too.  um...these are some of the raw food attachments i have going right now.

today i ordered the vita mix and green star juicer to support me throughout the next 3 months. tomorrow i order the produce by the case from the co-op to be picked up friday. 

alright, this is it for me tonight.  much to tired to keep this up.

much love

remembering to breath deep today

ah, i woke this morning to the super charged sun shining it's rays directly at my face with so much passion and fire.  i couldn't help but to strip down and soak up the vitamin D offering for an extra 30 minutes.  popped up with just enough time to begin the juice feasting habits i am beginning to practice before i got to jet across the street to serve all day.

i made myself the quart of pure water with meyer lemon/msm.  for lunch a VERY simple spinach & sprout salad with a Tbsp. of flax oil.  as a snack a couple of tangelos.  dinner tonight is water (i am just not feeling like food).  it's a good thing because i actually don't have much to choose from at home to eat.  both farmers markets last week were rained out.  so sad...

the title of tonight's blog came from me noticing that over the last two days i have been forgetting to breathe.  i have been holding onto the breath and then just taking a shallow breath. i am feeling anxiety a bit i have noticed.  that could be related.  tomorrow is Taylor's tenth birthday and i wish like THE BIGGEST WISH that we could be together!  i feel the idea being pushed away and i can't do anything about it.  it's like my kids are right in front of me, i see them from a distance and i can't be near them.  

i keep remembering a scary dream i had that jack and diane (the grandparents) kidnapped their first two kids (who are adopted) and now they have kidnapped mine and don't plan on ever giving them back.  sometimes when i get mad at diane for not letting me talk to them i want to scream at her and ask her if this is TRUE?  hum...scary isn't it....

speaking of dreams i LOVE that i have been remembering so many dream.  for SOOO long they were suppressed and i often wondered if i was ever going to remember my dreams again.  tonight i ask for guidance before i go to sleep as to what DO I DO IN THIS FUCKED UP SITUATION!!!  i am SO SICK OF IT CONTROLLING MY BLISSFUL LIFE!!!  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

i know that this week renee and i have committed to filling out the court paperwork.  the response to the "get a job" paper and a court order to ask for my caseS to be evaluated.

enough of that for now.  i am getting to worked up before bed.

on the fitness front, tonight i walked for 45 minutes beside the ocean, feeling the breeze, watching the sun go down (thanks renee) then an hour of NIA (thanks suraya) and i stayed after and did the weigh circut.  

came home, installed the NEW SHOWER FILTER and took a hot/cold/hot/cold/hot/cold/hot shower.  gave my feet a much deserved rub and brushed the teeth and tried out the NEW TONGUE BRUSH i got.  never done that before and i have to say how cool that concept really it.  try it if you haven't ever done it!  i really love all the juice feasting practices i am trying for the first time.  

5 more days until the BIG DAY begins!!!  grandma, grandpa, aunt darlena, MOM, dad, sue if you are all reading this and feeling worried that i am going to drop dead.  don't be, check out their website.....juicefeasting.com and read up on it.  i feel/believe that this is the best thing i can be doing for myself right now.  watch me grow and with your LOVE and support through this 92 day phase and beyond!!!

one of the practices i plan to keep up on is a nightly blog to keep you updated on how i am doing and for myself i want a record so i can reflect later when i have progressed.

so this is it for tonight.  

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!  i LOVE my FAMILY!  and.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY (RICH)!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

CRAZYiNESS

here is the photo i couldn't download yesterday that i wanted to share.  i have kombucha on top of the granola bars in the dehydrator and to the side in the back a fresh batch of sauerkraut that is almost ready to be harvested.  i have really enjoyed learning and practicing to ferment. 

i have noticed something special in the past few days happening naturally.

i will share because it relates to the juice feasting journey i am getting VERY ready to begin.

i have been gravitating towards simple meals and juice when i have a choice and i am eating less often.  the dense foods are feeling too heavy and i can't eat them.  

like the granola bars, nope, one bite and i am good.  i choose to reach for a whole food option instead.  even while making the fun foods for others i am drinking water and juicing lemon and happily doing so without filling up on what i am making.  i am relieved that i could experience this test before the feast because i wondered how that might work for me.  the creative outlet lately has been creative arts in the kitchen making yummy live food.  practicing those skills and testing out the knowledge i just obtained.  i don't plan to stop while i am juicing.  

last night i woke up at 2:15 am (thanks rich) and i could not go back to sleep no matter what i did.  my mind was so happy to be fixed on the upcoming juice feast.  kind of like christmas eve excitement.  i just laid there for hours and watched the mind play out SO much stuff related to juice feasting and future possibilities that may come from it.  kind of like branches on a tree, new ones kept growing from the trunk.  i finally put my feet to the floor at 6am and poured myself a cup of herbal tea and started drinking a quart of msm/lemon water (a j.f. habit i am starting early).  i wish i could type that i went out for a walk before work.  i didn't, the excuse was that it is too wet and cold.

anyway. 

besides the juice feast i have a HUGE amount of clutter in my mind that would like to come out and be dealt with soon.

something that cracks me up right now is thinking about the "order to get a job" i just received hand delivered by the sheriff from the department of child support services.  i can't help but laugh.  so i have to get moving on situating all that non sense legal BULLSHIT out!  

for those of you who don't know here's the brief of it.  i am supposed to pay child support to my ex husband who is on disability & doesn't even have custody of the kids.  his parents legally kidnapped them from me and have MUCH more money than me and claim to be able to provide a better material life for them than i can.  there's much more to all this, that's just the quick gist.

bottom line - i have to get some FIRE and expose this CRAZYiNESS and get my boys back into my life!

the dream come true is to have them living with me and away from all the alienation that happens around them.

sorry to have to end this on such a direct note.  just have to get to it!!!

* * * * *

There isn't a picture because i finally said forget it!  

i have the perfect one picked out to share and after 5 times of it not uploading i surrendered to what is and it's not meant to be uploaded right now.  whatever!  

and there isn't a title because i couldn't think of one without causing pain in my head.  

i would say at this point i am not meant to blog....i still have things i wish to say... so here i am.

i have been sick in bed for over 24 hours now so this blog should be interesting.  sitting here in the fish bowl, looking out at the world go by...thanks renee for that description.  i have only had a half a handful of conversations with live people in that time and those were brief and only about how sick i am.

me sick?  i can't believe it!  it's been so long....actually i think this is more on the side of healthy detoxing.  i have been on 100% raw food for well over 30 days now.  it's great to be raw and feeling alive and this sickness is just my body's way of getting rid of old stuff that isn't working anymore.  there really isn't gory details to share with this flu, it's like the flu minus the gore.  i have some symptoms...headache, achy body (my hair even hurts), slight fever, tummy is rejecting all thoughts of food (i can't even look at food without my tummy turning into knots), and some back pain.  so enough about the flu for now.  i am recovering, the worst is over and life goes on.

it goes on alright and i am looking forward to that!

the main thing right now that i am looking forward to is the GLOBAL JUICE FEAST STARTS IN ONE WEEK!!!!  7 days until i get REALLY JUICY!!!  i am a tiny bit nervous and that gets overruled when the excitement rushes in to takes it's place.  can you believe i am getting excited about drinking just juice for 92 days???? i can't!!!!  No mom & dad i will not drop dead i promise!  i just found out the other day that one of my RAW MENTORS has been juice feasting for over 40 days now.  GO DEBBIE GO!!!

just over a year ago i learned about juice feasting from angela stokes from the UK, it was around the time i got into raw living.  i watched her blog - hoping she would survive - she did and that seed got planted in my mind.  it's been watered over the past year and and idea has bloomed for me.  i am ready for all that comes.  literally i have a list of items i will use to support my journey and i have been checking them off the past few days.  i have decided to order a brand new vita-mix and i will have to save up for the green start juicer.  these are the tools i will be using to get my juice.  everyone i have talked to that has juice feasted said that between the two get the vita mix first then then the juicer. so, that's what i will do.  vita mix now and green star next.

before i begin the feast i will be making a list of other ways i plan to clear up my life.  what i expect to accomplish through the feast.  some goals i see happening for myself.  i am not sure if i will be posting them or not but in preparation for the feast i will be doing it for myself.

so this is it for today.  nothing to exciting.  other than everyday that i have been back from Living Light i have been making a new recipe and SUPER inspired by all the hope for future RAW CHEFFING POSSIBILITIES!!!!

PROCESSING!

oh YES!!

i am home. 

i am processing!

i can not believe how fast that all went.

like the blink of an eye!

and, i want to go back for more!

i love Living Light.

i LOVE being emersed into organic living food, the clean feeling of a well fed machine.

i miss the organic bedding i slept under every night and the sound of the boats pulling into the harbor outside the bedroom window. 

i miss all my friends i made there. 

i want to go back!!!

and i can't go right now.

i have to be here.

i am here, onyx too.

she missed me and i missed her too.

the girls took great care of my house while i was away!

they planted a garden for me, full of some of my favorite flowers.  and the didn't even know that they were my favorite which makes it even more special.  

all the house plants are alive and i smile at the little fingerprints they left behind.

i am ready to put all these new skills to use.

i am eager to share all the amazing possibilities with anyone open to recieving.

first i am going to hold a raw food workshop here in Cambria.  

so i am looking for a location to do that.  

sharing what i have learned feels really comfortable to me.

well, this is it for me tonight.

i am extra tired and have a book beside me i am ready to dive into "Wild Fermentations".  i should at least make it through the contents before i fall asleep and dream of sauerkraut & kimchi.

much LOVE

February the 6th is the New Moon in Aquarius - time for radical change,  and this gorgeous occasion comes with a partial solar eclipse -  how blessed we are ;) Here’s a few words from Ms. Miller’s report for this moon:
“Aquarius is often thought of as visionary: an energy that looks beyond the norm, questions accepted truths, boldly claims originality, flies in the face of reason; and flatly refuses to blindly follow the dictates of others.
The annular solar eclipse will add a bit of heightened energy to this New Moon. Partial phases of the eclipse will be visible primarily from eastern Australia, New Zealand and the South Pacific. For more information on the eclipse go to NASA’s Eclipse homepage.....

http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/OH/OH2008.html#2008Feb07A
The Aquarius New Moon asks each of us to awaken to the reality of our lives. To see it as it truly is (no rose colored glasses allowed) and then envision a better life; one free of old rules and restrictions that reflect your “I can’ts, I won’ts, I’m unable, and I’m scared”. This is a truth or dare New Moon. Recognize your present circumstances and then dare to vision beyond them, past the boundaries of the known into the unknown.
Aquarius is all about the “power of one” to change the circumstances of the many... Aquarian success comes from connecting to the needs of your generation and making your life a testament to upliftment.
The Aquarius New Moon is all about individuation and freethinking. It is a time to get free of self-imposed restrictions and think out of the box.
Think about how you can become a force for change at your workplace, in your neighborhood, and at home. Change is good! So this New Moon, commit to changing your life and you will change the world. Ride the wave of this mind-altering, life-altering New Moon Cycle.”

....this reading excited me and sparked my interest tonight.  as we had a little circle here at the inn to acknowledge the Moon and speak of our intentions and discuss that which we had in common.  i voiced that it is POWERFUL that i am here right now at Living Light having this experience with raw food pioneers that are on the same wavelength as i right now.  we are changing the world by changing our lives, influencing those around us, treating the enviroment with respect and most importantly the way we treat ourselves.

i am really feeling in harmony with myself right now.  even though i have unresolved things that are still open and not knowing ~ i am feeling some peace surrounding my world and i like it.  things that would otherwise bring me down to depression or self destructive behaviors really pass quickly in my mind.  the thoughts aren't getting stuck or dwelled upon.  i have them and they pass and i notice beauty and so it goes on and on.

i forgot how amazing it feels to be eating raw food until now.  it's been 20 days tomorrow of 100% organic raw food.  i plan to stick with following this path of organic rawness once i leave Living Light, which is approaching too soon.  i know for sure that i do not want anymore dairy in my body that is clear for me right now.

well, i have to end this for tonight i am getting so sleepy.

side note...Jack Johnson's new album is released today.

Much LOVE & Happiness & All the Joy Possible!

Look for the Rainbows

Brandie

hello beautiful friends...

this is me, this morning, giving the 20 minute presentation on how to make Sesame Sea Palm and Cucumber Salad.  i had a friend take the picture and this is the only one that came out.  i chose to post it anyway because it really shows a lot about the demo.  i was relaxed when it came down to it and i found some humor inside myself i didn't know was there and used that to engage the listeners.  mainly, i prayed before hand.

my two roommates had me stressing all weekend because they had their demos written out (sorry, typed out) and timed to the second.  they spent hours in bed at night working while i was procrastinating in mine....

what it comes down to is we all have different styles and approaches to the way we do what we do.  the feedback from the fellow students was that i was at ease and relaxed, told stories they could relate to and gave them loads of nutritional facts and culinary tips that they were interested in.  i couldn't have done the relaxed presentation looking at a paper to make sure i said things correctly.  (thanks to renee for that vote of confidence) 

it's over and i am really glad now to have the next two days to watch the other students give their demos.  then friday it is finals and school ends with graduation.  

it's hard to believe my time here is almost up. 

we did some celebrating the past few nights here at the inn.  i will be posting some pictures up on myspace soon.  again, blogger takes to long so i have to use myspace for photo.

tonight the master chef felix, the one i have been raving about...made the most amazing tiramisu EVER!  it was our friend helens birthday and his last night here at the inn.  tomorrow he is off on another journey to hawaii.  he will be missed.

felix is to the culinary world as a rock star is to the music world.  he is out of this world.  shines like the brightest star and everything he touches turns to gold sorta magic happening around him. it's cool to me to be around it because i have faith in the magic and can visualize that for me too in certain areas in my life.

today i noticed that i have lost some weight since being here.  most of the students look that way.  it's sorta funny because all we do is EAT EAT EAT.  and since it has been raining so much, physical activity is not happening as much as it could.  i ask, what other culinary arts school can you go to besides a raw vegan school and lose weight?  

well, this is it for now.

much love & peace

more of this and that

it feels so good to be alive, healthy and free.  this feeling of Love & Gratitude.

i woke up this morning feeling so light, renewed and content.

nothing making a sound besides the rain and the wind that just keeps on coming

today is the day to relax & to be IN-JOY, to give thanks & blessings

i am so very grateful for all of my family, friends & positive people i haven't met yet.

i am grateful to be here at Living Light learning what my soul needed. 

i am grateful to have an amazing man in my life that supports me, encourages me and Loves me endlessly no matter what.

i am grateful for my Mom & Dad who had done that for me my entire life. (that made me cry)

i am SO grateful to be having weekly conversations with Taylor & Cody.

i am blessed.

thank you Spirit  

i love these pictures i am sharing on this blog today.  

the first one is showing a single tree,

 surrounded by green grass, getting through the storm 

and seeing the sun break through the clouds.  

that really spoke to me this morning.

the mermaid is so peaceful and reminds me to go with the flow and 

notice the beauty along the way...

maybe i am feeling so blissed out the past two days is because i have been eating

100% ORGANIC LIVE FOOD.

i just have to say this....the last two nights a few of other LL students and i have gone out dancing to LIVE MUSIC and i mean the kind of dancing that gets the heart rate up and moves every part of the body....

well, after the night of sweating is when i really feel the difference.

all those stored up toxins are being pushed out

and released! 

close to feeling like i could fly!

i know sweating can be achieved by working out or a sauna, 

but there is something to LIVE MUSIC that sets the soul free when you let it.

***

i have 5 more days left of Chef training!  

i am really looking forward to this week ahead.

it's really about bringing everything i have learned in the past two weeks into action.  

that is...i have a "Demo" of my own to do in front of the class.  

(just a little nervous)

speaking to groups of people is not first on my list of things i want to do, 

 it is very close to the last thing i want to do.

it's so silly when i think about it, there is really no reason

why i should resist this.

i will embrace this and go with the flow, huh.

***

last week was a lot of hands on classes with some 

recipe development and team building opportunities throughout the day.

friday evening we prepared a 4 course dinner and 

served it to ourselves and a few of the teachers.

followed by that we had a talent show called

"Letuce entertain you".  i had no idea that i was taking this training with

some very talented and SUPER funny people.

it was a really nice way to get to have some light fun together.

we all had a great time & a nice way to end two weeks (14 days straight) of training!

***

yesterday, a few of us went to Mendocino in the POURING RAIN THAT NEVER STOPS!!!

we went to our favorite health food store Corners of the Mouth, 

if you are ever up this way it is a must see place.  

(have i said that before?) 

ah, another shop we found had ALL ORGANIC clothing, shoes and such.  it's called twist.

we came back to inn and Master Chef Felix was in the kitchen preparing food for 

a party we are having for him (he is leaving for Hawaii), i jumped at the

opportunity to assist him.

he is MAGIC with food and it's just enlightening to be near him.

he taught me so much yesterday, i had a pen & paper right beside me

the whole time, writing down endless combinations he comes up with.

the thing i love is that he Loves to share & teach.

so, we had the party, i took pictures too.  i will post most of them on myspace for you to see

the food was some of the best food i have ever tasted.

***

anyway, i just wanted to share some of my experiences with you 

and let you know how great i am feeling.

wishing you a Blessed day

much LOVE