up, down, i am coming around

what a roller coaster ride of emotions i have been on.  is it the holidays?  is it life without a car?  what?  so, i am changing my mind about it all i decided a few days ago, with the help of a very beautiful friend Suraya.  she called, and i answered and my heart fell open, she caught it, got it and loved it and returned it with a new view and i chose to accept the gift she offered.  the gift of choosing to look at things differently.  don't give up on the dreams and plans i had made to punish myself for the accident that happened.  she said many of the same things that Rich (the most amazing, compassionate, loving boyfriend in the whole world) has said to me before.  i needed to hear it from her at that moment.  thank you Suraya for making a difference in my life.  i am choosing to see things differently and in a more pleasurable and playful way.  for example, i will share....maybe it might help someone else....

instead of saying i have to go to work 

say

i get to go play at indigo moon today

i get to meet many people i have never met before

i get to serve yummy food to hungry people

ect.....

i am so grateful to have a place to learn new things and meet new people and make lots of money too!!!

another one i used at my house is

i love to play around my house, picking up all the fun things i have and putting them away.

i get to play with laundry and putting all the clean clothes is so much fun.

going to the laundry mat is an adventure

so there it is, a change of attitude really helps to get through the stuff of life that offers us learning opportunities to grow.

oh, another thing, it has help me with is choosing healthy food for my body.

instead of saying

i can't have that piece of toasted bread with goat cheese

i say i prefer to put vibrant alive food that gives me energy into my body

which helps because i am telling the truth to myself

anyway, this is the bit i have for a beautiful saturday morning before i get to go to indigo moon and play.  then afterwards, i am so grateful to have a date with my man.

hope this blog will inspire someone else to change their attitude about things, so it doesn't seem like such a struggle.

much love

i'll write about it

sometimes i don't find as much enjoyment writing about the dark stuff i wish to forget or deny.

it's part of the journey though, part of the process. i will write anyway...

days like yesterday and today just confirm to me what healthy is and feels like.  

and it IS NOT what i am feeling right now.

i choose right now to forgive myself.  it really is part of the experience.   

what happened?  well yesterday i started off with the green juice then i get to work and start doing my job of opening up the restaurant and all of a sudden i start to get cravings for this fresh baked bread that arrived from the bakery and my mind starts going off about the smell, the softness and freshness of the bread...i disregard the temptation and move along.  then after about an hour or so i get some news that the car i have been borrowing, since mine was totaled in the accident a few weeks ago, has been sold.  my wings have been clipped, i go to this place of fear and doubt and worry and all that dark negative stuff.  i know it's just a car, and i have become one who depends on it a couple of days a week.  anyway, i get this news and immediately i turn to the bread for comfort and security.  i even toast it and spread a small amount of goat cheese on it.  ok, it doesn't stop there it goes to coffee with cream and i dipped ginger bread in it.  i could go on and i won't, you get the disappointing point.  i do get some instant relief and contentment, oh, for about 5 minutes then i feel AWFUL and i want to throw up. i am feeling bad and i realize this is the circle of self abuse and i just began the game with myself.

this car accident has reminded me of a lesson about myself. i am still healing, and  something i forget about a lot is i am still not in charge!   i like to think i am then something happens and shows me another way.

it doesn't look as though i will be on track for going through with the complete raw chef series at Living Light in january.  i just can't seen to get past the accident and the thoughts of not having a car.  i feel bad and i guess undeserving of the opportunity to go.  i feel like somehow i should punish myself.  i know how self absorbed that sounds.  i am pretty down and depressed right now.  numbing out with food only lasts so long then i have to face what comes up.  i keep saying why does my life have to always be so freaking complicated?  my heart always desires the best most positive experience and yet it seems to be a up hill battle for me.

this food addiction problem has been in my life since i was born.  i can always remember using food to comfort, protect, abuse, manipulate myself.  it's a lie, it's totally an illusion i know, it's just the coping drug that was convenient since i was a baby girl.  when i had any emotion at all i was given food instead of love.  i AM NOT blaming my parents at all it was just what they knew and i inherited these habits and accepted them.  now i have spent my adult life figuring out how to release them.  living a healthy and raw life style has been the one way that i have made progress through the food addiction drama.  raw food doesn't allow one to be suppressed, depressed, it actually has allowed me to process so many hidden emotions.  juicing brings me back to life and frees me.  

i have to end this now. i almost want to erase what i wrote and i wont, maybe someone else needs to read it.

what a difference GREENS make

i am a  juicing Queen the last 10 days using almost all green foods like, celery, kale, cucumber, green apple, swiss chard,  cabbage, dandylion and fresh herbs like  parsley, cilantro, mint, water crest and green lettuces like arugala and mustard greens and at least a half a pound of fresh local organic spinach a day!!!  also added to the mix is Spirilina (natures first food) which i have pretty much come to really LOVE!  the combinations of all these foods varies depending on my mood and what sounds great at the time.  i also add meyer lemons, garlic and ginger and a carrot here and there for fun.  ...oh what fun...

how do i feel?  i feel much happier, healthier and balanced with my body.  the greens and extra juicing have put me back on track with where i wish to go.  

the cloud over my head is totally gone and i am eager to get back up on the fitness program this week. i feel the knee injury from the car accident has had enough time to heal.

emotionally, the juicing helped me to recover there as well and i am very thankful!  

since i cut out the yerbe matte (stimulant), i have noticed that makes a difference in keeping my energy level at a more even flow.  there for a while i noticed a slight addiction/reliance on the effects that it had on getting me going in the morning.  while the first 3 days of juicing i slept a couple of hours less each night and felt more rested and could easily move through the morning on herbal tea alone.  yeah for that!

the holiday blues have turned into motivation and inspiration to be creative to use what i have to make gift for my friends and family this year.  

i am SOOOOO grateful that i had a long conversation with taylor tonight on the phone.  he is so smart and so amazing to talk to.  he got a little care package ready to mail me tomorrow.  he included a book report he did for school, school pictures and dirt biking pictures of cody that he printed off of myspace and cut out and a piece of orgami.  so cute.  i pray i receive it well. i love my babies so much and i am holding onto hope and saying a prayer tonight that i will get to see them the year for christmas.  i can visualize and  feel what that will be like.  i will call diane (grandma) tomorrow and see if something, anything can be arranged.  

on other matters, i am grateful for my job providing me with the money i require to go to living light and study raw food.  i am manifesting another $800 dollars in the next 9 days to finish paying off my tuition.  however that comes to me fairly, i am open to.  i know that living light is where i am to be next month and i acknowledge the process i have to go through to get there.  i am grateful for the opportunity.

that's pretty much all i have for tonight i am ready to indulge in the Anastasia book i am reading.

much LOVE

it's a juicy day

So, i decided to juice all mostly local organic fruits and veggies for the next few days.  

i have been feeling a bit out of balance and by that i am talking about craving certain cooked foods that are not okay for me and  i need to tame my mind and get back on track and this is the way i do it.

i "juice it up" as rich likes to say.  

today i had wonderful combinations of spinach, kale, celery, cucumber, carrot, turmeric & ginger root,  garlic, dandelion, parsley.  i have been hitting the yogi tea pretty hard too.  (ha)

the tag on my tea bag i am drinking from right now says

 "Life is a chance. Love in infinity. Grace is reality"

nice, simple and sweet. 

just like the juice i drink.   

this is all i really have  to blog tonight.  

i am ready to cozy up in bed with a good book.

much Love

Countdown

to the day after christmas, when all this pressure will finally be over.  the cards, decorations, presents, songs, advertising, rushing around....me, i just would like to minimize it all.  i have said this many times before but the holidays are over rated and over marketed.  i rebel and retreat to my own beat.

i don't mean to be a scrooge it's just that i feel like the world is WAY off balance and i am not into it.  there is a WAR going on that we can't ignore and go on consuming like we are.

something i enjoy is the spirit of giving.  giving of LOVE, HOPE, COURAGE, FAITH, a simple song, a warm hug, eye contact, an open heart, a story, a walk or anything that is given freely.