Brandie is Being Love

Extracting the Inspiration Within ME

2009-10-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

i like this picture of me. i know what i am feeling inside at that moment. i am feeling inspired by nature and Love for myself and all that surrounds me. i get that feeling most often when i am on the healthy living routine that i set up for myself. i feel a natural source of energy surging through my veins and the mind is clearer and Love is flowing freely. it's easy for me to connect with myself and others when i am feeling this way. i am on such a transformational journey with myself, as if it is a full time job, that i am able to recognize the behavior patterns, physical & emotional differences and the mind games that show up. i have taken to this journey seriously for myself, life and in effect the world.

balance

inspiration

nutrition

i know what healthy feels like and i live for that feeling within myself.

i am inspired by that feeling.

truth

freedom

commitment

i am bound to discovering myself.

heart

singing

boldly

i am following the path to living ALIVENESS!!!

Being

Love

i am inspired to Be Me!

i am baaaccckkk to blogging!!!

2009-09-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

i missed this blogging space. the past postings have refreshed my memory about why i began to write a blog. a place for me to gather the bits of life together that i wish to share. juice feasting was the main reason i began, now it is the pure pleasure of sharing more of myself and what is going on for me these days.

to fill in a bit, i am back in beautiful Cambria and this time i take the country road home. yup, santa rosa creek road! Cambria wanted me back so here i am.

i did the raw food cafe thing in slo for a year and that was a learning experience in business for me for sure! i collected a bunch of really amazing new friends and found the true LOVE for me these days and that is BIKRAM YOGA!!! ok, so i have another LOVE too and that one i will keep a secret for a bit longer....

i developed some products and have been taking them to farmers market for the past 4 months. THE ONE PRODUCT I REALLY care for with passion is LIQUID LOVE. the others i am getting ready to either pass the production onto someone else or let it go.

i feel that the REAL MESSAGE coming to me is to LIVE SIMPLY and STOP with the INSANE AMOUNTS OF WORK!!!

so i find myself out here on a farm with unlimited possibilities and a whole lotta love to give and an amazing opportunity to truly give it to myself. what am i directed to do?

that's what this is about this time...what do i really desire to do?

Juice Feasting Day 91!!!

2008-05-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

(This is one of the best pictures of myself while juice feasting. i remember this morning clearly)

What a journey this 91 days has been. if you ask me now, it went by fast. the last month especially. yesterday i ate soaked prunes + a hand full of dates as well as the usual 4 quarts of green juice. i couldn't help myself at farmer's market. i have a bowl of apricots waiting me today with fresh, local, organic blue berries. tomorrow i will be making a cucumber, tomato and basil salad. i am ready to move onto chewing and delighting in avocado, sprouts and the SWEET SWEET SPINACH!!! SAUERKRAUT is at the top of that list as well!!!

The biggest challenge of the juice feast for me as been gearing up to juice everyday. once i get into the flow - NO PROBLEM, it's just the "before juicing procrastination" that sometimes lasts for hours on some days. what is that juice resistance about anyway? i haven't pin pointed that out yet!

Another challenge for me was not tasting too much food while making food for others. especially the last 30 days that i have been more into making LIVE VEGAN food for others, there is a part of me that really wanted to experience what they are tasting and allowed myself that tiniest bite, feeling it all the way down my system and through my energy as well. which is an important lesson for me as well. i feel that effect specifically with dehydrated foods. lower energy and a feeling of heaviness.

the last 30 days for me have been really full filling and that appears to me to be where everything came together. 90 days of JUICE FEASTING are perfect, with the last two as a sort of play day along with the four quarts of GREENS!!!

i will take MANY of the Juice Feasting habits with me - the morning msm/lemon/water in the quart jar every morning when i wake, skin/tongue brushing, GREEN JUICE, all the stretching & exercise, journaling/blogging, taking time to lay in the sun, colonics/enemas, and over all just being the BEST i can possibly to myself!

i woke up really excited this morning and hopeful!!!

On the heels of the 92 day JUICE FEAST i am moving onto another phase of my life. today i will be putting the last of the things in my house into boxes and moving them into storage tomorrow.

THEN COMES OPENING UP A LIVE VEGAN CAFE in SAN LUIS OBISPO!!!

well this is all i have right now. i feel like i need to get moving along!

ALL IS WELL IN THIS WORLD!

Juice Feasting Day 73!!!

2008-05-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Breaking through today. the past two weeks have been very much about my younger years. healing from my parents divorce that happened when i was 13-14, relationships i had in my teens and a ton of emotion that was suppressed for WAY TOO LONG. i found myself quite a few times the past week acting out those emotions.

this weekend i was at a woman's retreat and really had a chance to be quite and nurture myself and that's just what i did. as well as had a letting go ceremony, made a vision board, took a long walk on the beach, made lots of yummy live food for everyone (JUICY JUICE FOR ME), hoola hooped, learned new moves, rebounded, made some soy candles, and really connected with a plant named peperoni presence just to say a few things. the other 6 women were joys to be with too. all in all it was a restful weekend. it had a wonderful ending with my honey bringing me coconuts, melon and LOADS of LOVE!!! ah, yum yum!

then there is the break threw i felt come on this afternoon while i was out for a walk. while clearing my head a sense of surrender and peace came over me and a thought passed through my mind that i was through the tough emotional stuff i had been processing the past two weeks. after that, freedom filled my being.

i am FREE in the world now to create whatever i want. today is the first monday of the new business adventure with debbie. i planned menus, shopping lists, worked on the website and emails and phone calls. i walked for two hours, went to nia to DANCE & PLAY. and the funnest of all i played in the kitchen tonight making live food for a friend who is leaving for a trip.

i am SO EXCITED about this new stuff happening in my life right now. so GRATEFUL for all the blessings in my life!

this is it for me tonight i am so tired and ready to tuck myself in. i have a busy day planned for myself. more of the same! i am soooo lucky!!

Juice Feasting Day 64!!!

2008-05-04T22:29:00.001-07:00

(the whites of my eyes are SOOOO EXTREMELY WHITE)
a whole week just zoomed by. juice feasting is going GREAT!!! earlier in the week i had a moment of insanity that i journaled about already in my personal book. i made it through and everything is back on track.

the typical morning is pretty much like this....wake up around 7ish, go out for a walk, come home and make juice....3 quarts of green (lemon, lime, garlic, ginger, cucumber, celery, kale, swiss chard, cilantro, basil and dandelion) always adding Vita-Mineral Greens, Spirulina, kelp, cayenne and hemp oil. then one or two quarts of orange and sometimes adding pineapple with bee pollen and cinnamon. sometimes i add spirulina to that one too. so that juice making is pretty routine. i take b12 and e3 live, just started Brain On. i will begin the parasite cleanse as soon as the store gets it in. after spend about an hour and half making the days juice i either go to work or work around the house. i have been REALLY ENJOYING my FREE TIME TO PLAY WHATEVER I WANT!!!

the scale read 148 the other day!!! that is 20lbs i have lost on this juice feast. i know i have been building extra muscle too. i can notice a HUGE DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY MY BODY LOOKS AND FEELS AND I LOVE THAT!!!

i feel that the cleansing part of the feast is over and i am onto the rebuilding phase.

my last day of work is TUESDAY. YEAH!!! i am planning to do a few days of just water coming up. i plan to take a rest at home and really go inward and feel how that feels.

well, this is it for tonight.

up early tomorrow for a walk!

MUCH LOVE

Juice Feasting Day 58!!!

2008-04-27T22:21:00.000-07:00

this is me and my new baby bunny named Little Miss Love or just Love for short. She loves to hang out on my shoulder. my honey brought her back for me from a trip he just took to visit his mom. he knows how bad i have wanted a bunny. our cat onyx needed a playmate too. i can tell we are all matches made in heaven.

so interesting things have been stirring up inside me & around me. first i have had the past four days off from work to really focus on me and what i am putting energy towards. i am really digging what that feels like.

i was able to spend two of the days with my new business partner Debbie doing what i LOVE and that is making RAW FOOD in the kitchen for others. it's even more awesome because she is on a JUICE FEAST TOO....she's past 92 days on LOVING IT SO MUCH SHE DOES NOT WANT TO STOP. we catered a dinner for over 30 people last night. 4 course gourmet meal that EVERY ONE LOVED!!! that felt so good doing what i love with such a positive FUN LOVING PERSON!!!

i have had some eating issues arise for about a week now and very strong the past 2 days. today was the worst. i have felt attracted to cooked food and besides that i have been feeling like "sneaking" it, like when i was a little kid and i had to "sneak" food all the time. that came up today when i was soul searching about what the hell is going on. i forgot all about how i used to have to do that when i was little. my mom would always give me a hard time about what i ate and when i could eat, that i got into this strange behavior of sneaking food. little bites here and there. not good behaviors.

i am NOT breaking this JUICE FEAST...NO WAY that's not an option i am just connecting dots and making observations of things coming up.

i have been resisting GREEN JUICE. today i couldn't even think about one. so today i had an orange, then i had a carrot, celery, beet and ginger and a carrot, celery, ginger later on that my sweet honey made for me. i drank the water of 3 coconuts and that's it.

i think tomorrow things will be different. as i type this i am feeing more towards a green tomorrow to balance out all the sweetness of today.

yesterday i felt sick all day. a BAD HEADACHE and i felt dizzy and sick in my tummy all day. until my honey came back from visiting his mom for a week and put his loving hands on my neck. without knowing what he was doing the pain i had been feeling for hours and hours was GONE! magic hands. boy, was i grateful!!!

i am ending this for tonight.

MUCH LOVE & BLISS!!!

Juice Feasting Day 53!!!

2008-04-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day!

tonight i planted seeds outside the door of the house i live in. nasturtiums and borage. it is so breezy and cold out there.

so i came in and made some herbal tea from the new blends i brought home from the secret garden. ummmm, the favorite so far is the balancing tea...sarsaparilla root, licorice root, carob, cardamom and ginger root.

i also celebrated that today is my independance day as renee named it. the day i gave the notice at work that i am leaving.

i will share, that when the owner walked in today i froze and my stomach tied up in knots and i felt sick. the feeling reminded me of when i was married and my ex husband would come home. the anxiety i felt. after i gave my notice the knots began to slowly ease up.

i am grateful to have had this experience and this job has taught me many things about myself. this job offered me opportunities to speak up for myself and get clearity during conflicts. i faced up to difficult challenges and practiced staying present even when i wanted to check out. add to that all the wonderful people i was able to serve, which my my job totally enjoyable. i am grateful that i have supported myself there. i am just grateful for the experience period and i am TOTALLY GRATEFUL it will be over soon.

looking forward to moving on.

the month of may will be one for me to focus on the last 35 days of the juice feast. i will teach a few Live Food Classes, possibly a juice cleansing class, attend a woman's retreat and go to Lighting in a Bottle Festival for 4 days at the end of the month. the days in between will be spent taking care of me & juicing/healing/fitness. oh, and packing to move. that's a big one.

i am really looking forward to all the transition happening. in the past 53 days so much has already happened for me.

i haven't mentioned this yet. i think it's important to document. in the last two weeks 3 people from the past have contacted me.

one, a guy i had a short relationship with 2 and half years ago, called out of the blue and we chatted for a while, caught up with small talk. then after we ended the conversation he called back and said he was sorry. i said sorry for what? he said for treating me so bad while we dated. he was just now coming to terms with it. that meant so much to me that he fully acknowledged the hurt he caused me and asked for forgiveness.

another person, an ex girlfriend of my ex husbands, found me on my space and sent me a message. now it's been 4 years since our last contact. she used to send me energy daggers and say really mean words to me and to my kids about me. it hurt me so much because i just wanted to be friends and have harmony between us. she believed everything that my ex said about me. her email told me how she has turned it all around and sees me through different eyes and admires the path i am on. she too asked for forgiveness.

then, there is an old friend who i consider to be a soul sister. we had such amazing energy together one summer 3 years ago. you could say that together we were creating magic all around us. then all of a sudden she turned her back and shut the door and our relationship came to end without notice or explanation. that hurt, and over time i healed & accepted it and moved on in life. well, she found me on my space too through a mutual friend and sent me an email and it said that she was sorry for ending our friendship. it had nothing to do with me and it was something she was going through at the time and could i forgive her?

you see, all three of these friends i forgave along time ago without there knowledge. i have always had nothing but LOVE for them all. i am grateful that they felt willing & open to bring it around to me years later.

this gives me hope.

i desire that the same energy that flows through these past connections to also flow through the connection between me and the ayers family. i pray for our family to be reconnected and to heal.

i know it is possible and it all starts with willingness and awareness and openness. i couldn't be more of any of those.

on day 53 of this juice feast i feel that i am processing past relationships on a deep level. i am visualizing the clearing out of old stuff that has been covered up and stored in my cells and now there is openness for FRESH NEW ALIVE relationships & stuff to come in.

the dreams i have had recently are about letting go of past relationships.

part of me leaving my job is clearing out old stuff that isn't serving my greatest good right now.

well, this is it for me tonight. i hope some of this made some sense. i know it does for me and it feels good to type it out .

much LOVE

p.s. honey, i am saying a BIG HEALING prayer for mom tonight.

Juice Feasting Day 51!!!

2008-04-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

it's time for me to LET GO!!! i have known this for a while, i have held on by a tiny thread for way past the time. fear has just gotten me to doubt the universe and my heart .

this juice feast does not let my intuition be covered up, that is for sure. it has spoken to me loud and clear.

IT IS TIME, I MUST LEAVE THE JOB I HAVE HAD FOR THE PAST YEAR AND MOVE ON!

it doesn't matter the situation, it is just not working with me. it's funny because the mind wants to argue with my heart. the heart is so quiet and patient. the mind is so loud and relentless.

letting go can feel either way right now depending on how i want to look at it. i will give my notice to leave tomorrow, then pray that i will be taken care of. i trust i am.

on the juice feasting front, i have had great GREEN JUICES the past two days. lots of cravings for sugar and sweetness so i went for some herbal teas that need.

one of the treats for myself on day fifty was the trip to THE SECRET GARDEN in san luis obispo, where i picked out some really great herbal tea blends. i LOVE Kristen the store owner, she was a bright shining star that was so into herbs. she is following her passion for life and it really shows. that inspires me to do the same.

another treat for my body was a visit to get a colonic. wow was that transformational. three long rope like looking pieces that were 8-10 inches long leaving my body. afterwards i felt so amazingly light and free.

the cleansing is happening on a deep deep level for me right now. i know it. i feel it.

the thing most on my mind is this job thing and it's bringing me down at the moment. ok, i will take responsibility, i am allowing it to pull me that way. LET GO BRANDIE, COMPLETELY!!

so this is it for me tonight.

transformation is happening, it can be scary and exciting at the same time.

Juice Feasting Day 48!!!

2008-04-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

this piece of really beautiful art speaks to me tonight. Rita is the artists name and her work is a favorite of mine.

today was a VERY AMAZING day for me. the kind of day i don't want to be over. i have noticed that the days that i do not go to work at indigo moon are so peaceful and magical. that says something about the job i have right now. more on that later....

i woke up slowly with my honey bunny and we cuddled until he left for work. then i slowly began to take on the important tasks of the day like setting up press releases for the upcoming Live Food classes i am teaching. i made new fliers and even had them printed out. i hopped on my bike and rode through town posting them up. then i treated myself to the santa rosa creek ride out through the country roads, passing the cows and breathing the freshest air. all the milk thistle on the side of the road made my mouth water. the destination was the mini produce stand where i loaded up the bike with shhhhh (oranges, i haven't given up yet) and lots of meyer lemons and limes. i swear the ride out there was so enlivening that i started to cry with joy. my heart was so happy.

i came back into town and dropped the citrus off the bike and decided i wanted more exercise. wow, that's something i love to have happen. i actually want to exercise. so i started walking and ended up on top of lodge hill which is about a 2 mile hike up hill. this time the same destination was a citrus stand and i filled up my bag with more limes & lemons.

i saw so many friendly faces today on my journey outside around town. that's another thing about cambria - it's just a big hug for the soul and enlivens the spirit to feel so safe.

i am really grateful for having spent the past three years here. i haven't mentioned this in my blog yet....i am moving.....to san luis obispo......my honey & i are moving in together......the beginning of july.....when we get back from the rainbow gathering! it's a HUGE step for both of us and we are both SO EXCITED! we have been dating for two years (this week is our anniversary, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY)!!!

cambria will always have a special place in my heart for sure. this little town took me in when i was lost and searching for something to hold onto to. cambria provided me a safe place to find myself and do SO MUCH recovery & healing. i have made so many connections here that will forever nurture my heart. this place is magical.

onto new beginnings and this move just feels natural. a house found me and it happens to be right in front of the commercial kitchen i will be making magic in. i have a wonderful friend and live food mentor debbie and together we are co creating a business together. actually we are merging our two businesses into one.

thing are good and only getting better.

my daily juices are pretty much the same every day. i always wake up to the msm/lemon/water, take e3 live, b12 and vitalyzm, natural cellular defence.

throughout the day i drink 3 veggie juices that consist of lemon, lime, cucumber, celery, ginger, garlic and a tons of greens like spinach, kale, rainbow chard, cilantro, basil, romaine and sometimes red bell or beets & their tops. to that i add VITA-MINERAL GREENS, SPIRULINA, KELP AND HEMP OIL. then at night the candida screams LET ME HAVE THE ORANGES AND I WILL SHUT UP!!! so i have the orange juice with cinnamon & coconut butter sometimes or i will go the other way and have it with spirulina - always with bee pollen.

i always drink 3-4 quarts of water and sometimes i add herbs to that. milk thistle is a favorite and stone breaker tea is 3 times a day.

i would really like to cut out the oranges and all fruit for at least a week. i feel the strength to do that arising soon.

i have another colonic on friday for the mid-way through cleaning out. honestly, i feel pretty darn cleaned out but i know there is much garbage buried and more gets uncovered everyday.

i think i am done for tonight.

MUCH LOVE!!!!

Juice Feasting Day 45!!!

2008-04-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

i have to be honest here. and that's why i blog. i have been on an emotional roller coaster of a ride. lovin the ups and not so content with the downs. the mind along the way has been enjoying the ride. something to feed off of.

half way through the feast and i am still in Love with the joys of juice. there is just so much EMOTIONAL DETOX happening through out this process that it is a challenge holding on.

for instance wednesday through friday i was OFF from work and able to really pay attention to myself. really in great spirits throughout with touches of grey clouds. it was the anxiety & anxiousness that really threw me off into a zone i resisted. i felt like running away a lot. breathed & did some exercise instead and still resisted some. (I LOVE EXERCISE)

then more waves of anxiety showed up throughout friday pretty heavy. i passed through it with my honey by my side loving me all the way. we went to the ocean and laid out in the sunshine, then farmers market then a nice long bike ride. at the end of the day it was still there and very present. i decided to to an enema...and there it went....all the anxiety i had been feeling that day left suddenly down the toilet! what a relief!

i decided to blog about this experience because i think someone else might be able to benefit from knowing some things about taking care of our own health and well-being. WE CAN BE IN CHARGE OF OUR OWN BODIES.....THERE IS ANOTHER WAY THAT THE DOCTORS DON"T TELL US ABOUT! as soon as the enema was over i felt inside that i just let go of all the anxiety i had been suppressing for years with zanax & valium & food & other drugs.

so anyway, that's the big detox story for this week.

physical detox - i have had a rash on my elbows and select other parts of my body. that i believe is coming from candida. something i know i need to work with. same rash i had at Living Light!

the picture above is me SO HAPPY to be drinking the orange spirulina bee pollen juice i have once a day. that is the juice that i have the mixed feelings about. that's the juice that might be pulling me back to candida-land.

having all green juices for a while would be a dream come true and that is really what i desire. at the same time the candida screams SO LOUDLY THAT IT WANTS THE SUGAR JUICE & I HAD BETTER FEED IT NOW!!! i feel stuck in the middle.

the back pain & toe pain has gone away.

the past week i have pretty much juiced ALL LOCAL PRODUCE! that feels great!

i am SO GRATEFUL for all of the AMAZING FRIENDS & FAMILY in my life that have supported me through this juicy journey. making my juice with me when i am in a hurry, listening to me getting all the garbage out, just being there when i need support the most is the greatest gift. thank you so much & i LOVE YOU!

time to end this!

thanks for reading!

Juice Feasting Day 38!!!

2008-04-07T21:30:00.000-07:00

just cruzing right along in juice feasting land. loving every minute of this journey.

to tell the truth i have had the experiences of cravings come and go, energy levels go up & down and for the most part things feel amazingly balanced. does that make sense?

the past two weeks produce has been coming to me from LOCAL ORGANIC GROWERS. meyer lemon season is coming to a close, along with the oranges i have been getting up the hill. it's okay because all the beautiful berries are on their way!!!

the dehydrator here has been getting a workout! making food for others while juice feasting is such a joy! i made savory flax crackers, sweet bread and live fudge. yummy...so they tell me anyway.

well, this is pretty much it for me checking in to blog land tonight. i am ready for b-e-d!

much LOVE

Juice Feasting Day 31!!!

2008-03-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

I LOVE JUICE SOOOO MUCH!!!!

I LOVE THIS EXTREME ALIVE FEELING I FEEL ALL OVER MY BODY!!!

there is so many flavors in a juice. today i feasted on some of the best juices. the mix...lime, lemon, cucumber, celery, big GREEN leaves, cilantro, tomato, garlic, ginger, beets and greens with a bit of dandylion and parsley. one of the quarts i added hemp oil and kelp. YUMMY!!!

all the produce LOCAL & ORGANIC!!!

i am still CRAVING the ORANGES & bee pollen. everyday i am having 3-4 quarts of green juice and at least one quart of orange with spirulina and bee pollen.

at day 29 i started a coffee enema at home. that was an effective use of a great healing tool. i experienced great satisfaction and relief from minor sluggishness right away. i felt like a new me. i will do those whenever needed.

on other juice feasting news i had SO much balanced energy throughout the weekend. friday night i was out with friends until 430 in the morning dancing then had 2 hours of sleep before i woke up to get ready for the raw food class i taught on saturday. i didn't miss a beat, i was ready to go and give that my best and i did. the class was SO MUCH FUN!!!! i am looking forward to planning another one soon. i had 5 ladies attend on saturday.

after the class i had to jam to get to work and then i served 40 people dinner and was done about 930pm, just in time to be picked up again and taken to a reggae show to dance the night away. that is where my honey met me and he carried me half asleep back to his place around 1am and put me to bed for a very enjoyable nights rest.

so for those people who think that juice feasting means no energy for fun...it's the opposite. i have so much energy i have to be out having fun to use it!!!

the last time i blogged i mentioned that i was going to deliver Cody's birthday present to his house. well i drove out there, no one was home so i had to leave it at their grandpa's office. i didn't get to see my boys this time. i am very proud of myself for driving out there and making the attempt though. that is a really big step for me.

well i have to end this blog for now.

Much Love

Juice Feasting Day 28!!!

2008-03-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

i am so touched by the on line class for A NEW EARTH by ECKHART TOLLE & OPRAH.

i watched monday nights class last night in AW & WOW's. being fed this teaching while juice feasting and at this moment in my life right now is such a gift. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

juice feasting is flowing along. i am feeling in the juice feasting groove as far as ordering & organizing all the produce into my little tiny house & small bar cooler, making the juice and taking care of all of my detoxing needs with ease. my body & i are REALLY getting to know one another and that is something i have not remembered ever experiencing. dream time is so ALIVE. my heart is wide open. mother earth is LOVING all of the compost. ZERO TRASH created and i don't know if this has anything to do with the juice feast but my cat onyx and i have bonded so much over the past month. maybe she is just so happy to be let outside. last week she brought in a hummingbird present to show how much she loves me. right now she has been loving all over me since we woke up. i know she has food in her bowl this is just extra affection.

i am happy to report that i think i tackled the flea issue head on before it got out of hand. i ended up with only a dozen or so bites on my body. i remedied the situation by washing all the bedding and coating the carpet in SALT and spraying my tiny house down with Lemon, Lavender & Eucalyptus oil....i even spray my body down after i shower. onyx got the spray too.....at night the bed gets sprayed before i lay down. i am mentioning this because there is another way....to avoid any uses of chemicals & to get rid of the fleas in my house. the natural approach has done the trick and so far so good. much less expensive too. it's flea season here, and if anyone reading this has to deal with fleas here are other options besides toxic chemicals that cost a lot!!!

today is my son CODY'S BIRTHDAY!!! he is 15 years old today. WOW!!! i will be calling him in just a little bit and i am feeling like i am a super hero today so i will drive out to the ayers compound and bring his gifts, card and balloons to the door myself. the power is in the present moment and i will bring that teaching from last night with me while i go. BE PRESENT. if i could enlist a trusting friend to go with me i would do that too, just to be a witness but it's too last minute and super hero's can act alone at times too.

so with that said i am going to start getting ready for the big adventures for the day. i am grateful to a friend who has lent me her car today to make the drive to deliver the easter & birthday gifts to cody & taylor and pick up the weekly order of LOCAL PRODUCE that came through from the farmers.

please say a prayer for me and my boys.

much LOVE

Juice Feasting Day 23!!!

2008-03-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

this is where i desire to be really soon. camping & hiking up the coast for a little nature get away. all i want to do is roll around in the earth and feel the sun shining all over my body, hear the oceans rhythm and make wishes upon the stars.

as i sit here tonight typing this blog i am looking at the big full moon. it is a beautiful light yellow color. i feel it....

i am enjoying nature to the fullest and all of the beauty it shares.

juice feasting is flowing along very nicely. enjoying the ritual part of it everyday. making the 4 quarts a day has become a breeze. the types of juices that are coming together are turning out really good. a favorite the past two days.....ROMAINE, CUCUMBER, CELERY, LEMON, GARLIC, RED BELL PEPPER, & LOTS OF CILANTRO with some kelp & cayanne.

a shift of where the produce is coming from will happen this week. i have decided to

GO LOCAL with the JUICE FEASTING JOURNEY and gather up all of the produce i possibly can from the local organic farmers i am surrounded by. i am done picking up cases from the co-op when i can get perfectly GREAT produce from farmers market down the street. makes sense right?

a detox reaction i had last night REALLY SURPRISED me.....wanna hear it???? of course you do or you would not be reading this right?

well i was at work and i kept smelling a strong cigarette oder following me, for a while i could not place the smell. then about 30 minutes into the pondering i looked down at my right hand and fingers and smelt them and that is the smell....tar or nicotine coming out of my fingers!!!! it was coming right out of the cracks of my first 3 fingers!!! i had to run to my co-worker just to get confirmation that this is really happening!!! he confirmed it and looked at what was happening in amazement! i quite smoking August 11th of last year and i went 3 years smoking cigarettes. my body is really cleaning house right now!!!

so that was really exciting to see. a sign, this is worth it!!! MY BODY LOVES ME!!!!

i am going to end this blog for tonight. i can't wait to pick up the new book i am reading called

A NEW EARTH by ECKART TOLLE. I am watching their on line class and i am getting ready to hear tomorrow nights talk.

LOVE TO ALL!!!

Juice Feasting Day 18!!!

2008-03-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

the picture was taken yesterday for my NEW CLASS FLYER I MADE!!!! March 29th my FIRST LIVE FOOD CLASS here in CAMBRIA!!!!

i am sitting here sipping one of my favorite juices (ORANGE, GINGER & SPIRULINA) in bed wearing super comfy pj's experiencing such a painful back ache on my right side. it's ok, i am getting through it and i am just so amazed that this back pain is showing up for me right now. i think i know what it is from. i am going to share because i feel no shame and i am pretty certain that this is really what is going on. the point of blogging for me is to be truthful, inspiring and OPEN w/o judgement. so, this pain reminds me of the same back pain i experienced when i was addicted drugs a few years ago. i have been drug free for well over 3 years now and i haven't had this kind of pain since then until now. so one of the main reasons for me to be doing this cleanse is to HELP TO HEAL MY BODY of ALL THE DESTRUCTION CAUSED BY DRUGS.... not only the illegal drugs but the ones i have been prescribed throughout my life for many many different things. on top of that, the drinking of alcohol (i rarely did that) and the 3 years of smoking cigarettes.

so NOW my body is CLEANING HOUSE....it is getting rid of all the built up toxins and all those cells are happily rebuilding themselves to be healthier and more pure than ever. this is my take on the back pain. there you have it, it's out now. i am not ashamed, i do not judge myself it is what it is.

onto other fun stuff to share with you....the morning walks through the forest the past three mornings have been a pure delight for me going solo and practicing walking meditation. this morning i took my i pod and listened to Michael Franti & Spearhead and the music actually made me run up the hill for a moment. the deer, rabbits and birds were all out to greet me this morning. the rays from the sunrise through the fog were magical and i felt uplifted from it all. cambria is beautiful for sure!

onyx is on the go now. i have been letting her go out a couple of hours a day. she's just so happy about being able to be free. i understand. she is feeling much better & continues to eat grass...oh well, as long as she is happy.

oh, yes, thanks to Rich, i had my first ORGANIC COCONUT and now that is all i will ever drink again. no more asian coconuts. no thank you. now i can taste the poison and unnaturalness in them. so what if they are 2 dollars more. if i am going to put it in my body it has to be organic.

this weeks case order from the co-op was great! ORGANIC dandylions, kale, celery, pink lady apples. at farmers market i bought SO MANY FRESH LOCAL BUNCHES OF GREENS, cucumbers, garlic. the amazing organic citrus stand down the street continues to supply me with THE BEST MEYER LEMONS, ORANGES & LIMES!!!! The vita-mix nut bag trick is getting so fast, i have the whole thing down now. making my juice in the mornings has become a routine that i enjoy.

i haven't been able to leave the fruit alone. i am sticking with the fruit for a while longer. i am too happy with the oranges and apples. blueberry season here is just a couple of weeks away. my berry bushes at my front door just got their blossoms. so yeah, not giving up the fruit just yet. oh, yeah, i just remembered the strawberries too. yummy. a figure that as long as i get in all my greens and water i am good to go with a little fruit a day.

well, i am ending this now. i am onto watching eckart tolle and oprah at oprah.com.

MUCH LOVE, LIGHT AND JOY TONIGHT!!!

Juice Feasting Day 15!!!

2008-03-15T17:16:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling pretty incredible the last few days. I can defiantly feel some shifts happening in me and around me.

I have had a ton of energy and a sense of peace too.

Nothing really new to report.

Oh other than a successful visit to the colon hydrotheropist!

I will be nice and spare the details!

Onyx (my cat) has been really sick but i think she is getting better. maybe she is taking on my detox symptoms for me because i sure haven't been feeling a whole lot in the detox department of the juice feast.

honestly, the only cravings i have had came today when i was looking at all the food i was serving people. i felt little urges to eat a small bite of something but that all passed really quickly and i enjoy my juice so much more and this great feeling of being free from all that "food" stuff!

this is it for me tonight. i am ready for bed!

much LOVE & yes i am very much ALIVE!!!

Juice Feasting Day 12!!!

2008-03-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

all i can say today is WOW! a steady release of exciting, positive and extremely productive energy has flowed through me today. i woke up happy and ready to begin the beautiful day i have off from work. i had no particular plan and plenty to keep me occupied.

so, i went for a beautiful hill and forest walk, one of my favorite walks with one of my favorite women in my life.

after the walk/talk we went and got large bags of fresh ORANGES, LIMES, MEYER LEMONS and GRAPEFRUITS right up the road from a local farmer who grows them organically. the price is outragous....guess how much? LARGE oranges are 8 for a dollar, limes are 8 for 25 cents, meyer lemons are 6 for 25 cents and i can't remember what the grapefruit. we felt RICH in CITRUS TODAY!!! amazing how having fresh ORGANIC PRODUCE can make a girl FEEL SO GOOD! i told rich last night that the way to my heart these days is easy (truely) just bring me a coconut!!! or 4 or 5 or even a case would be great! ha haha!!

well after the CITRUS adventure we desided to go by the place that bought my totaled car back in November. we pulled up right next to it and i didn't even recognize it....it's been restored and the guy did such an amazing job that i thought that it was a new car and not mine at all. he told me that i might be able to buy it back. the might that stands in the way will get worked out my the universal forces. if it is meant to be mine again it will come back to me, if not then i am sure to find another car that is meant for me. i am just happy to see it repaired.

once renee dropped me back off at my house i had a laugh keeping up with myself!!! i completed one task after another! i cleaned out so many areas of my house, did laundry, made a new batch of komucha (by the way, GREEN TEA & HONEY DOES MAKE GREAT KOMBUCHA!!!), i played outside in the garden & cleaned up all around my house outside, planted snap dragons, dandy lion seeds & baby kale, caught up on many podcasts while doing all the above & drank all of my GREEN JUICES TODAY!!! PLUS 3 QUARTS OF WATER!! Tonight i kept the momentum going and caught up on the juice feasting reading & blog & videos by David & Katrina, the creators of JUICE FEASTING.com.

last night i did some work on the website and prepared myself for teaching a class March 29th. this will be my FIRST LIVE FOOD CLASS and i am really ready to begin this here in Cambria.

i am full of gratitude today for things becoming SO EXTREMELY CLEAR to me. i feel like a CLEAR CHANNEL. the dreams that have been coming to me EVERY NIGHT are so amazing...i am having so much fun while i sleep i am grateful for that as well.

i feel that this juice feast & going to Living Light were the two best gifts i could possiblely given to myself right now.

i have to end this for tonight!

MUCH LOVE

Juice Feasting Day 10!!!

2008-03-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

i am so jazzed about the juice feasting today! a happy to be walking the earth alive kind of feeling today.

yesterday was another story and i will write about that in a minute. both days i had all green juices and one orange, spirilina & bee pollen juice & exercised for over an hour as well. tonight was nearly 10 minutes rebounding, 20 minutes weight training and an hour of NIA!!! felt great! alittle bit of lower back pain of the right side. i am choosing to express this because it is NOT typical for me to have back pain. is it the kidneys? could be...

i have scheduled a colonic for thursday and that should help things if it is the kidneys.

the thing i am most thrilled about blogging tonight is that I AM remembering my DREAMS and for two days in a row they have showed up the following day as actually happening. i am excited about this because i remember this happening when i was young (in my teen years) and it hasn't happened since.

saturday night i dreamt that there was a lot of drama happening at my job and i questioned my position in it and if i should continue working there and if i do what part i would play in it. my dream had the SAME feeling and i felt yesterday at work when the drama began to happen. i have a choice to make really soon and i know it. it IS time to leave my JOB. it's really interesting that on this juice feast that i have realized that it is VERY DIFFICULT to DO that which i am NOT aligned to do. i have know for a while that it is time to leave i am just holding on by a very fine piece of thread. it's a bit of a fear factor for me to just let go and trust that i will be directed to where i am meant to go.

the other dream was last night and i dreamt that Onyx (my cat) has been plotting on how to get out of the house. (she has been only indoor since i got her 8 months ago) then tonight when i got home from the gym she was at the bottom of my stairs outside....she preceded to show me how she got out by running up the stairs ahead of me and jumped through a loose part of the screen back inside.

now what do i do? she wants outside SO bad and i live on MAIN STREET!!! she is the sweetest cat ever and i just want to protect her from the stray cats, ticks, fleas & other wild animals.

cool dreaming huh? well this is it for me tonight. i am craving a shower and a book.

much LOVE

Juice Feasting Day 8!!!

2008-03-08T21:58:00.000-08:00

Yeah, week one is behind me and i feel pretty good overall. going through some stuff ~ emotionally, MENTALLY, and some physical.

today my honey made my juices for me and i had all green juices that contained....

cucumber, celery, spinach, parsley, water crest, swiss chard, dandy lion and lots of lemon and lime.

and one not so green juice was tomato, basil, spinach & kelp powder (YUMMY)

tonight when i got home i wanted some sweet juice SO bad that i made orange juice & balanced out the sweetness with a tbsp of spirilina & bee pollen.

i am very happy that i got outside a lot today and excersised & got some sun. that really makes a difference in how i feel.

here's a little info i got from juicefeasting.com tonight regarding green juices...

Green-leafed vegetables are overall the best source of iron; parsley and spinach are particularly high in iron. Greens heal anemia. (Other sources of iron include red-colored fruits, such as watermelon, berries, pome granate, and red-flesh figs).

Green-leafed vegetables often do not taste as wonderful as fruits. But eating them nonetheless breaks associations of pleasure with eating, therefore decreasing the possibility of overeating. Green-leafed vegeta bles diminish the enjoyment in eating and act as a natural stop for us in the eating cycle.

Where does the cow get its calcium for its milk? From green grass, of course. Now we are not grass eaters, but this analogy is instructive because it demonstrates that all the minerals a cow is constructed from are present in grass - in simple green grass!

Green-leafed vegetables are always the best source of heavy minerals: calcium, magnesium, etc. The alkaline minerals in greens balance the acid-forming minerals (sulfur, chlorine, and phosphorus) found in avoca dos, nuts, seeds, onions, garlic, etc.

Green-leafy vegetation is also an excellent detoxifier of the liver, espe cially wild green vegetation. Deep green and wild green vegetation binds with heavy metals and chemicals from recreational drugs and allows the body to wash them out as salts through the urine.

i just thought i would share alittle tid bit with you.

this is all i really have tonight.

kinda boring and really want to SLEEEP>>>>>for a LONG TIME!!!

Juice Feasting Day 5!!!

2008-03-05T21:06:00.001-08:00

this picture was taken on the eve of the juice feast in the cottage at sycamore mineral springs in avila beach where rich and i celebrated his birthday & our relationship with each other.

that explains the rare occasion that i drink wine and it was the best glass of wine i have ever had. Linne Coloda - problem child.

this is a great before picture and i look forward to putting the after right beside it on June 5th.

today is day five....almost through the first week.

i am feeling great, energized and alive. i do feel the changes begin to take place within my body.

yesterday i had kidney pains in my lower back and the foot pain that has been bothering me for 2 years is acting up again. as soon as i cleared out the colon this morning the lower back pain went away instantly and i felt great.

the juicer and vita-mix arrived yesterday. all set up in the kitchen and ready for lots of action. today, i went back and forth, comparing the difference between juicing with the vita mix & nut bag our using the green star. they are both GREAT machines and i feel really happy to have them as part of my health for the rest of my life. i know i will be using them forever and they will get 1000's of hours of use.

speaking of juice making today i made the same as yesterday and that was.....

LOTS OF GREEN VEGGIE JUICE!!!!

one treat each day was

ORANGE ~ PINEAPPLE ~ SPINACH ~ SPIRILINA ~ BEE POLLEN!!

um, YUM!!! careful not to get used to that everyday. NOT TO BE A HABIT!!

i actually know that i have to end my SUGAR ADDICTION SOON!!!

i knew this clearly at living light and before beginning the feast. i knew that i just had to start the feast with the best chance possible of staying on it and after 15 days of making it a habit i will cut out the fruit. SO SAD!!!!

even as i write this i can hear the little candida beings screaming at me through my skin and now they are plotting to take my head over so i can't stop the SUGAR ADDICTION!!

we will see...

today & yesterday i got in 2 walks, one being up bridge street hill and back through the forest, in the dark, wet trails full of POISON OAK! the other was less gnarly and that was a walk at the cove & on the pier breathing fresh FRESH air and soaking up lots of Vitamin D from the almighty SUN! i even got the christmas lights off the hoola hoop and gave that a whirl again. picked right up where i left off. one of my goals for this feast is to be the best hooper i can be.

well this is it for me and day 5.

much LOVE, HEALTH and HAPPINESS!

Juice Feasting Day 3!!!

2008-03-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

i am showered with flowers and lots of love

and that feels GREAT!

i have been following the Juice Feasters plan to the fullest.

To catch you up, i have been away for a few days....

Every morning i wake up to 1 quart of pure water with meyer lemon & msm.

followed by a shot of e3 live (blue green algae from the kalamath lake) and a BEAUTIFUL 1- quart veggie drink made with all organic vegetables plus a heaping scoop of vita-mineral greens for fun.

throughout the day i have another 3 quarts of amazing tasting juices that are all different combinations.

i'll tell you a few juicy details....

on saturday i spent 115.00 on ORGANIC produce and i got 6 cucumber, 6 celery, 2 kale, 1 swiss chard, 10 lbs of spinach, 3 leeks, 5 lbs of apples, 2 cilantro, 2 parsley, 2 dandelion, 5 lbs of carrots, 4 jalapenos, 2 bunch of garlic, 3 red bell pepper, ginger & 8 tomatoes. this should last me the rest of the week but by the looks of my fridge i don't think i will make it till friday.

my weight that i started the juice feast with is 168.5.

i plan to do at least an hour of exercise a day. tonight i did all the weights & Nia for one hour and yesterday i did the ocean/forest walk and soaked up the sun for 30 minutes.

i also just had a fun time just hanging out and talking with one of my girlfriends tonight. having a nice girlfriend talk about life and that was soul food for me tonight! thank you suraya!

overall i am feeling like i am doing the best thing for me right now and i love being in that knowing that all is well and i am supported.

i am sooooo ready for dream time. they are getting good!

lotsa LOVE

Mountain Pride

2008-02-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

i love this picture i took today. my little home in the background.

i am writing tonight with just a few things to say then i am taking the night off tomorrow night to surprise my honey with a get away evening. i love it, he has no idea what tomorrow evening has in store for him. i love to surprise him.

today was interesting, relaxing and somewhat productive. i did an hour of Nia, an hour of pilates first thing this morning. came home and started to prepare my space for JUICE FEASTING!!! bagging up all the food to pass on, cleaning up the kitchen making space for the new juicer to arrive (it was shipped yesterday). making out the shopping list for the up coming week. i paid bills, mailed a letter, checked in on an old friend, make a new batch of kombucha. this time with green tea and honey. i am going extreme on this. all the research says NOT to substitute sugar but i am...i don't want sugar in my komucha. the lady who taught me said only use lipton black tea and i didn't want that either, so i am rebelling and giving it my best shot using what i feel i want. who knows i might create something wonderful. i just pray the baby doesn't die. i watched a couple of really great movies...the "wild parrots of telegraph hill" and a Buddhist type of one called "spring, summer, fall, winter and spring". the sun went down with a nice long walk up bridge street hill and through the forest, where i took a whole new trail and had some excitement getting "lost".

i am proud of myself for something else i did today.....i took my flower essences and got up the courage to walk across the street to talk to my boss about the way i have been feeling about my job there. not knowing if i was going to come home without a job i had to lay it all out....clear the air because i had a BUNCH of built up tension and it was making me stressed.

VERY LITTLE STRESS THROUGH THE JUICE FEAST IS REQUIRED TO FULLY DETOX!

i was doing this for my health and had to let go of the attachments i have to working there. things worked out and i will still continue to work there for now. the money is good and for now it is working.

i am feeling called out of cambria and closer to cody and taylor. i don't have a car still and i just feel like the city has more options. i could make it work here and we will see what the future has in store.

it's bed time and i won't be blogging for a couple of days so next time i do i will be a lot more juicy!

much LOVE

i LOVE blogging...

2008-02-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

for one it keeps me in touch with my family & friends. lets them know what is going on in my life without me having to fill them in every time, they already know through reading the blogs.

the most important part of blogging is for me (in addition to my own private journals) i have a recorded history and a place to get my thoughts out. a place and form of expression.

this is going to be quick tonight as i am ready to get cozy in bed with a new library book (i check out 15 new ones today). i now have books on aroma & herbal therapy, soul stories, angels, cat care, raw food recipes, belly dancing & yoga dvds, and soooo much more.

today renee and i worked on court paperwork to file a response with the court regarding the papers i was served for child support and to seek work. the response was quite lengthy because it's a big fraudulent mess to respond to. at first i felt a dark cloud come over me and i felt hopeless, and i wanted to crawl under the nearest rock and hide until this part of my life is over. then renee gave me flower essences and i felt more able to clear through the dark cloud and sort through the piles of legal paperwork.

here's to the POWER OF FLOWERS!!! let me tell you!

that was the extent of my day pretty much. it's all i could handle. oh, except for the phone call to TAYLOR....we got to talk for a good 15 minutes before his grandma said he had to get off the phone to do his homework. he loved coming home to find the birthday balloons and gifts i left at the door last night. he was eating the granola bars i made for him when i called. we talked about what was in them and about eating organic. he even mentioned meeting this weekend and i said anytime anywhere i will be there.

yeah for that. progress is happening & we deserve this to happen!!! after that prayer renee and i made last night i KNOW that the tides are turning!!!

tonight i will be visualizing that happening and what that feels like.

good night!

Happy Birthday Taylor!

2008-02-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

i was unable to see taylor today. the phone calls to diane went ignored and unanswered as i knew they would. it's ok. things are going to turn around very soon. i called this morning to wish taylor a beautiful day and that was great! what is even better (THANK YOU RENEE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART) is she drove me all the way out to their house aka the ayers compound and i left the gifts at the door (nobody was home). i was shaking as we drove the distance down the long dirt road. my eyes pealed on any detail or sign of cody & taylor and their surroundings. a little hat left hanging on the fence, their bikes, dexter the dog...this is the first time i have been out to the property in well over 3 years. it's scary and cold and dark and i have a whole lotta fear that surrounds that place so going out there to seek my children that i haven't seen in just as long is a HUGE MONUMENT for me. i did it though, with support.

on other news...i am continuing to follow the pre-juice feasting habits.still ready as ever to get this journey on the go and at the same time saying goodbye to some favorite foods for a few months. i have 3 avocados left...some walnuts & dates i will make milk out of tomorrow, finishing up the bananas and nut butters too. um...these are some of the raw food attachments i have going right now.

today i ordered the vita mix and green star juicer to support me throughout the next 3 months. tomorrow i order the produce by the case from the co-op to be picked up friday.

alright, this is it for me tonight. much to tired to keep this up.

much love

remembering to breath deep today

2008-02-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

ah, i woke this morning to the super charged sun shining it's rays directly at my face with so much passion and fire. i couldn't help but to strip down and soak up the vitamin D offering for an extra 30 minutes. popped up with just enough time to begin the juice feasting habits i am beginning to practice before i got to jet across the street to serve all day.

i made myself the quart of pure water with meyer lemon/msm. for lunch a VERY simple spinach & sprout salad with a Tbsp. of flax oil. as a snack a couple of tangelos. dinner tonight is water (i am just not feeling like food). it's a good thing because i actually don't have much to choose from at home to eat. both farmers markets last week were rained out. so sad...

the title of tonight's blog came from me noticing that over the last two days i have been forgetting to breathe. i have been holding onto the breath and then just taking a shallow breath. i am feeling anxiety a bit i have noticed. that could be related. tomorrow is Taylor's tenth birthday and i wish like THE BIGGEST WISH that we could be together! i feel the idea being pushed away and i can't do anything about it. it's like my kids are right in front of me, i see them from a distance and i can't be near them.

i keep remembering a scary dream i had that jack and diane (the grandparents) kidnapped their first two kids (who are adopted) and now they have kidnapped mine and don't plan on ever giving them back. sometimes when i get mad at diane for not letting me talk to them i want to scream at her and ask her if this is TRUE? hum...scary isn't it....

speaking of dreams i LOVE that i have been remembering so many dream. for SOOO long they were suppressed and i often wondered if i was ever going to remember my dreams again. tonight i ask for guidance before i go to sleep as to what DO I DO IN THIS FUCKED UP SITUATION!!! i am SO SICK OF IT CONTROLLING MY BLISSFUL LIFE!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

i know that this week renee and i have committed to filling out the court paperwork. the response to the "get a job" paper and a court order to ask for my caseS to be evaluated.

enough of that for now. i am getting to worked up before bed.

on the fitness front, tonight i walked for 45 minutes beside the ocean, feeling the breeze, watching the sun go down (thanks renee) then an hour of NIA (thanks suraya) and i stayed after and did the weigh circut.

came home, installed the NEW SHOWER FILTER and took a hot/cold/hot/cold/hot/cold/hot shower. gave my feet a much deserved rub and brushed the teeth and tried out the NEW TONGUE BRUSH i got. never done that before and i have to say how cool that concept really it. try it if you haven't ever done it! i really love all the juice feasting practices i am trying for the first time.

5 more days until the BIG DAY begins!!! grandma, grandpa, aunt darlena, MOM, dad, sue if you are all reading this and feeling worried that i am going to drop dead. don't be, check out their website.....juicefeasting.com and read up on it. i feel/believe that this is the best thing i can be doing for myself right now. watch me grow and with your LOVE and support through this 92 day phase and beyond!!!

one of the practices i plan to keep up on is a nightly blog to keep you updated on how i am doing and for myself i want a record so i can reflect later when i have progressed.

so this is it for tonight.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!! i LOVE my FAMILY! and.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY (RICH)!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

CRAZYiNESS

2008-02-24T21:27:00.000-08:00

here is the photo i couldn't download yesterday that i wanted to share. i have kombucha on top of the granola bars in the dehydrator and to the side in the back a fresh batch of sauerkraut that is almost ready to be harvested. i have really enjoyed learning and practicing to ferment.

i have noticed something special in the past few days happening naturally.

i will share because it relates to the juice feasting journey i am getting VERY ready to begin.

i have been gravitating towards simple meals and juice when i have a choice and i am eating less often. the dense foods are feeling too heavy and i can't eat them.

like the granola bars, nope, one bite and i am good. i choose to reach for a whole food option instead. even while making the fun foods for others i am drinking water and juicing lemon and happily doing so without filling up on what i am making. i am relieved that i could experience this test before the feast because i wondered how that might work for me. the creative outlet lately has been creative arts in the kitchen making yummy live food. practicing those skills and testing out the knowledge i just obtained. i don't plan to stop while i am juicing.

last night i woke up at 2:15 am (thanks rich) and i could not go back to sleep no matter what i did. my mind was so happy to be fixed on the upcoming juice feast. kind of like christmas eve excitement. i just laid there for hours and watched the mind play out SO much stuff related to juice feasting and future possibilities that may come from it. kind of like branches on a tree, new ones kept growing from the trunk. i finally put my feet to the floor at 6am and poured myself a cup of herbal tea and started drinking a quart of msm/lemon water (a j.f. habit i am starting early). i wish i could type that i went out for a walk before work. i didn't, the excuse was that it is too wet and cold.

anyway.

besides the juice feast i have a HUGE amount of clutter in my mind that would like to come out and be dealt with soon.

something that cracks me up right now is thinking about the "order to get a job" i just received hand delivered by the sheriff from the department of child support services. i can't help but laugh. so i have to get moving on situating all that non sense legal BULLSHIT out!

for those of you who don't know here's the brief of it. i am supposed to pay child support to my ex husband who is on disability & doesn't even have custody of the kids. his parents legally kidnapped them from me and have MUCH more money than me and claim to be able to provide a better material life for them than i can. there's much more to all this, that's just the quick gist.

bottom line - i have to get some FIRE and expose this CRAZYiNESS and get my boys back into my life!

the dream come true is to have them living with me and away from all the alienation that happens around them.

sorry to have to end this on such a direct note. just have to get to it!!!

* * * * *

2008-02-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

There isn't a picture because i finally said forget it!

i have the perfect one picked out to share and after 5 times of it not uploading i surrendered to what is and it's not meant to be uploaded right now. whatever!

and there isn't a title because i couldn't think of one without causing pain in my head.

i would say at this point i am not meant to blog....i still have things i wish to say... so here i am.

i have been sick in bed for over 24 hours now so this blog should be interesting. sitting here in the fish bowl, looking out at the world go by...thanks renee for that description. i have only had a half a handful of conversations with live people in that time and those were brief and only about how sick i am.

me sick? i can't believe it! it's been so long....actually i think this is more on the side of healthy detoxing. i have been on 100% raw food for well over 30 days now. it's great to be raw and feeling alive and this sickness is just my body's way of getting rid of old stuff that isn't working anymore. there really isn't gory details to share with this flu, it's like the flu minus the gore. i have some symptoms...headache, achy body (my hair even hurts), slight fever, tummy is rejecting all thoughts of food (i can't even look at food without my tummy turning into knots), and some back pain. so enough about the flu for now. i am recovering, the worst is over and life goes on.

it goes on alright and i am looking forward to that!

the main thing right now that i am looking forward to is the GLOBAL JUICE FEAST STARTS IN ONE WEEK!!!! 7 days until i get REALLY JUICY!!! i am a tiny bit nervous and that gets overruled when the excitement rushes in to takes it's place. can you believe i am getting excited about drinking just juice for 92 days???? i can't!!!! No mom & dad i will not drop dead i promise! i just found out the other day that one of my RAW MENTORS has been juice feasting for over 40 days now. GO DEBBIE GO!!!

just over a year ago i learned about juice feasting from angela stokes from the UK, it was around the time i got into raw living. i watched her blog - hoping she would survive - she did and that seed got planted in my mind. it's been watered over the past year and and idea has bloomed for me. i am ready for all that comes. literally i have a list of items i will use to support my journey and i have been checking them off the past few days. i have decided to order a brand new vita-mix and i will have to save up for the green start juicer. these are the tools i will be using to get my juice. everyone i have talked to that has juice feasted said that between the two get the vita mix first then then the juicer. so, that's what i will do. vita mix now and green star next.

before i begin the feast i will be making a list of other ways i plan to clear up my life. what i expect to accomplish through the feast. some goals i see happening for myself. i am not sure if i will be posting them or not but in preparation for the feast i will be doing it for myself.

so this is it for today. nothing to exciting. other than everyday that i have been back from Living Light i have been making a new recipe and SUPER inspired by all the hope for future RAW CHEFFING POSSIBILITIES!!!!

PROCESSING!

2008-02-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

oh YES!!

i am home.

i am processing!

i can not believe how fast that all went.

like the blink of an eye!

and, i want to go back for more!

i love Living Light.

i LOVE being emersed into organic living food, the clean feeling of a well fed machine.

i miss the organic bedding i slept under every night and the sound of the boats pulling into the harbor outside the bedroom window.

i miss all my friends i made there.

i want to go back!!!

and i can't go right now.

i have to be here.

i am here, onyx too.

she missed me and i missed her too.

the girls took great care of my house while i was away!

they planted a garden for me, full of some of my favorite flowers. and the didn't even know that they were my favorite which makes it even more special.

all the house plants are alive and i smile at the little fingerprints they left behind.

i am ready to put all these new skills to use.

i am eager to share all the amazing possibilities with anyone open to recieving.

first i am going to hold a raw food workshop here in Cambria.

so i am looking for a location to do that.

sharing what i have learned feels really comfortable to me.

well, this is it for me tonight.

i am extra tired and have a book beside me i am ready to dive into "Wild Fermentations". i should at least make it through the contents before i fall asleep and dream of sauerkraut & kimchi.

much LOVE

2008-02-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

February the 6th is the New Moon in Aquarius - time for radical change, and this gorgeous occasion comes with a partial solar eclipse - how blessed we are ;) Here’s a few words from Ms. Miller’s report for this moon:
“Aquarius is often thought of as visionary: an energy that looks beyond the norm, questions accepted truths, boldly claims originality, flies in the face of reason; and flatly refuses to blindly follow the dictates of others.
The annular solar eclipse will add a bit of heightened energy to this New Moon. Partial phases of the eclipse will be visible primarily from eastern Australia, New Zealand and the South Pacific. For more information on the eclipse go to NASA’s Eclipse homepage.....

http://sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclipse/OH/OH2008.html#2008Feb07A
The Aquarius New Moon asks each of us to awaken to the reality of our lives. To see it as it truly is (no rose colored glasses allowed) and then envision a better life; one free of old rules and restrictions that reflect your “I can’ts, I won’ts, I’m unable, and I’m scared”. This is a truth or dare New Moon. Recognize your present circumstances and then dare to vision beyond them, past the boundaries of the known into the unknown.
Aquarius is all about the “power of one” to change the circumstances of the many... Aquarian success comes from connecting to the needs of your generation and making your life a testament to upliftment.
The Aquarius New Moon is all about individuation and freethinking. It is a time to get free of self-imposed restrictions and think out of the box.
Think about how you can become a force for change at your workplace, in your neighborhood, and at home. Change is good! So this New Moon, commit to changing your life and you will change the world. Ride the wave of this mind-altering, life-altering New Moon Cycle.”

....this reading excited me and sparked my interest tonight. as we had a little circle here at the inn to acknowledge the Moon and speak of our intentions and discuss that which we had in common. i voiced that it is POWERFUL that i am here right now at Living Light having this experience with raw food pioneers that are on the same wavelength as i right now. we are changing the world by changing our lives, influencing those around us, treating the enviroment with respect and most importantly the way we treat ourselves.

i am really feeling in harmony with myself right now. even though i have unresolved things that are still open and not knowing ~ i am feeling some peace surrounding my world and i like it. things that would otherwise bring me down to depression or self destructive behaviors really pass quickly in my mind. the thoughts aren't getting stuck or dwelled upon. i have them and they pass and i notice beauty and so it goes on and on.

i forgot how amazing it feels to be eating raw food until now. it's been 20 days tomorrow of 100% organic raw food. i plan to stick with following this path of organic rawness once i leave Living Light, which is approaching too soon. i know for sure that i do not want anymore dairy in my body that is clear for me right now.

well, i have to end this for tonight i am getting so sleepy.

side note...Jack Johnson's new album is released today.

Much LOVE & Happiness & All the Joy Possible!

Look for the Rainbows

Brandie

hello beautiful friends...

2008-02-05T21:58:00.001-08:00

this is me, this morning, giving the 20 minute presentation on how to make Sesame Sea Palm and Cucumber Salad. i had a friend take the picture and this is the only one that came out. i chose to post it anyway because it really shows a lot about the demo. i was relaxed when it came down to it and i found some humor inside myself i didn't know was there and used that to engage the listeners. mainly, i prayed before hand.

my two roommates had me stressing all weekend because they had their demos written out (sorry, typed out) and timed to the second. they spent hours in bed at night working while i was procrastinating in mine....

what it comes down to is we all have different styles and approaches to the way we do what we do. the feedback from the fellow students was that i was at ease and relaxed, told stories they could relate to and gave them loads of nutritional facts and culinary tips that they were interested in. i couldn't have done the relaxed presentation looking at a paper to make sure i said things correctly. (thanks to renee for that vote of confidence)

it's over and i am really glad now to have the next two days to watch the other students give their demos. then friday it is finals and school ends with graduation.

it's hard to believe my time here is almost up.

we did some celebrating the past few nights here at the inn. i will be posting some pictures up on myspace soon. again, blogger takes to long so i have to use myspace for photo.

tonight the master chef felix, the one i have been raving about...made the most amazing tiramisu EVER! it was our friend helens birthday and his last night here at the inn. tomorrow he is off on another journey to hawaii. he will be missed.

felix is to the culinary world as a rock star is to the music world. he is out of this world. shines like the brightest star and everything he touches turns to gold sorta magic happening around him. it's cool to me to be around it because i have faith in the magic and can visualize that for me too in certain areas in my life.

today i noticed that i have lost some weight since being here. most of the students look that way. it's sorta funny because all we do is EAT EAT EAT. and since it has been raining so much, physical activity is not happening as much as it could. i ask, what other culinary arts school can you go to besides a raw vegan school and lose weight?

well, this is it for now.

much love & peace

more of this and that

2008-02-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

it feels so good to be alive, healthy and free. this feeling of Love & Gratitude.

i woke up this morning feeling so light, renewed and content.

nothing making a sound besides the rain and the wind that just keeps on coming

today is the day to relax & to be IN-JOY, to give thanks & blessings

i am so very grateful for all of my family, friends & positive people i haven't met yet.

i am grateful to be here at Living Light learning what my soul needed.

i am grateful to have an amazing man in my life that supports me, encourages me and Loves me endlessly no matter what.

i am grateful for my Mom & Dad who had done that for me my entire life. (that made me cry)

i am SO grateful to be having weekly conversations with Taylor & Cody.

i am blessed.

thank you Spirit

i love these pictures i am sharing on this blog today.

the first one is showing a single tree,

surrounded by green grass, getting through the storm

and seeing the sun break through the clouds.

that really spoke to me this morning.

the mermaid is so peaceful and reminds me to go with the flow and

notice the beauty along the way...

maybe i am feeling so blissed out the past two days is because i have been eating

100% ORGANIC LIVE FOOD.

i just have to say this....the last two nights a few of other LL students and i have gone out dancing to LIVE MUSIC and i mean the kind of dancing that gets the heart rate up and moves every part of the body....

well, after the night of sweating is when i really feel the difference.

all those stored up toxins are being pushed out

and released!

close to feeling like i could fly!

i know sweating can be achieved by working out or a sauna,

but there is something to LIVE MUSIC that sets the soul free when you let it.

***

i have 5 more days left of Chef training!

i am really looking forward to this week ahead.

it's really about bringing everything i have learned in the past two weeks into action.

that is...i have a "Demo" of my own to do in front of the class.

(just a little nervous)

speaking to groups of people is not first on my list of things i want to do,

it is very close to the last thing i want to do.

it's so silly when i think about it, there is really no reason

why i should resist this.

i will embrace this and go with the flow, huh.

***

last week was a lot of hands on classes with some

recipe development and team building opportunities throughout the day.

friday evening we prepared a 4 course dinner and

served it to ourselves and a few of the teachers.

followed by that we had a talent show called

"Letuce entertain you". i had no idea that i was taking this training with

some very talented and SUPER funny people.

it was a really nice way to get to have some light fun together.

we all had a great time & a nice way to end two weeks (14 days straight) of training!

***

yesterday, a few of us went to Mendocino in the POURING RAIN THAT NEVER STOPS!!!

we went to our favorite health food store Corners of the Mouth,

if you are ever up this way it is a must see place.

(have i said that before?)

ah, another shop we found had ALL ORGANIC clothing, shoes and such. it's called twist.

we came back to inn and Master Chef Felix was in the kitchen preparing food for

a party we are having for him (he is leaving for Hawaii), i jumped at the

opportunity to assist him.

he is MAGIC with food and it's just enlightening to be near him.

he taught me so much yesterday, i had a pen & paper right beside me

the whole time, writing down endless combinations he comes up with.

the thing i love is that he Loves to share & teach.

so, we had the party, i took pictures too. i will post most of them on myspace for you to see

the food was some of the best food i have ever tasted.

***

anyway, i just wanted to share some of my experiences with you

and let you know how great i am feeling.

wishing you a Blessed day

much LOVE

a little of this and that for ya

2008-01-30T19:05:00.000-08:00

(sunflower babies, about ready to harvest:)

hello! it has been a VERY busy two days at school. today was the first morning in 4 days that i have been able to get out and walk before school starts. the rain just keeps on coming down.has anyone seen the sun??? i think it is missing... the temputure was 35 degrees at 630 this morning. (there is a teputure gage just outside the inn's front door) i got out there and walked anyway. after about 30 minutes i could unwrap the scarf from around my face. only my eyes could get away with not being covered. this evening walking home from school was just as cold. i am not used to this at all. okay, enough about the weather here....

this is "Living Lasagna" . we made recipe yesterday with our teams. i was very surprised how close to the cooked version this tastes. it even looks very close to cooked lasagna. the secret here is putting it in the dehydrator for about 1 hour at 130. the temp never gets that high but the top layer of almond cheese gets browned and gives the cooked look.

we are making so many dishes everyday. we are learning business skills, chefing, team building, management, positive communication, presentation and on and on. last night's homework was to write 150 word introduction about myself as it relates to raw food.

i am impressed with the program here. i trust very much that they know what they are doing. besides all that i am having a lot of fun and hanging out with bright & shining people everyday from all over the globe.

i will be posting some more pictures on myspace tonight.

so much LOVE

a room with a view

2008-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

This is the view from my bedroom window, taken around 730 this morning. off in the distance there is the sea. the sun is wanting to break out from the long hard night of rain and hail. you can see the hail on the roof of the house next door. the air smells so fresh and clean. i really love the room i am in, my two roommates are so great too. one, angela is from hawaii and she is supper mellow like me and i love hearing her speak about hawaii and her smile is so refreshing. the other roommate just joined us for the chef's training that began today. her name is helen and she is from costa rico. i just finished looking at her beautiful pictures of her property that she has there. she is a very strong, independent goddess like woman. like angella, her smile is striking.

our first day of chef's training was today. we were given our wonderful green smoothies & e3 live and green juice for snack. our training began with writing an introduction of ourselves that relates to raw food. then we formed new teams and began our hands on demos for the day. we made SO MANY delicious dishes today. i tried to upload the pictures and gave up. you can find them on my space soon.

i have to end this and get to the homework and studying for tomorrow.

much love to YOU!

Alpha Linolenic Acid, EPA, DHA...huh??

2008-01-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

so, i am not so much a science girl. this i now remember about myself. i have such a painful head ache right now from doing my best to wrap my mind around the information of the

"Science behind Raw Food Nutrition".

Two solid days, 15 hours of sitting through science lectures is NOT my cup of yogi tea. although i did drink a full box of it while struggling to stay focused on the content.

i do feel just as confident with the raw food diet as i did before all the class. though, hearing the research studies behind the theory's is indeed as comforting as the yogi tea. i also realized that the reason i have been noticing and feeling drawn to eat this certain weed (milk thistle) on my walks is because my body could really benefit from it's offerings to help my liver to detox. the one i am thinking about is all over cambria and it has the leaves that sorta look like dandelion, yet they are prickly and have white stripes. i will be looking for them tomorrow when i walk to school. i could always get them organic & bulk at the health food store. but really they have been catching my eye for the past month.

hmm...i always get excited when i find herbal plant medicine and wild foods while walking around.

last night a group of the LL students and i went to a reggae show at the Casper Inn which is in the little tiny town of Casper. it is located between fort bragg and mendocino. the population is 300. if you ever get a chance to experience a live music show there i highly recommend it. chill vibes. i danced like nobody was watching for at least 3 hours. the music was very spiritual and set with an intention to spread love and kindness. that was just what was in order for us too. we needed to get out and have some random fun night of dancing together. it was funny, the drummer had a "buy fresh, buy local" shirt on so it really fit right in with the theme we have going right now at school.

the picture is of my little sunflower babies i planted a few days ago.

i have to end this now.

much love to you tonight!

Final day of the essentials

2008-01-25T21:25:00.000-08:00

Today i graduated from the 5 day Essentials course! not without a 6 page exam first, which i have to tell you i did very well on. either the questions were set up for us to know easily or i really learned the information well.

Cherrie and her staff are great teachers as well so i think it's a combination of it all.

before the exam & graduation we made a black cherry cheese cake to have after our graduation ceremony.

i will share this recipe, it's really easy and fun to make. and best of all NO CHEESE!!!

CHERRY VANILLA CHEESECAKE

makes 12 servings

CRUST

2 1/2 cups pecans, soaked and dehydrated

1/4 cup evaporated cane juice or rapadura

(or sub raw agave nectar if you wish)

1/4 cup seedless raisins

FILLING

2/3 cup pitted dates, packed

(make into date paste first for easy blending)

1/4 purified water

3 cups cashews, soaked 2-3 hours and drained

1 cup coconut oil, warmed to liquid

1/2 cup lemon juice

1/4 cup soy lecithin powder

2 tablespoons vanilla extract

TOPPING

1 pint fresh or frozen pitted cherries or berries of choice, thawed

1. for the crust: put the pecans, sweetener of choice and raisins in the food processor and blend using the "s" blade and process until the crust mixture begins to stick together. press the mixture evenly into the bottom of an 8 inch spring form pan. cover the bottom with a round parchiment paper. that helps to release the bottom.

2. for the filling: Loosely separate dates, and combine them with the water in the food processor. process until smooth. add lemon juice, soy lecithin, vanilla extract, and puree once more until the mixture is smooth and creamy. this takes a few minutes. notice the texture.

3. to assemble the cheesecake: pour the filling into the crust and spread it evenly.

4. for the topping: spread the cherries or berries over the top and gently press.

5. chill for 2 to 3 hours

ENJOY....it's delish!

here's a RAW GOURMET TIP for the day: Coconut meat blended in a high speed blender until smooth, them spread on a teflex sheet and put in the dehydrator for a few hours on a low temp. makes great raw "rice paper" wrappers.

i will be posting more pictures that i have taken on my my space page. www.myspace.com/brandie_michelle. it's too time consuming to put them on my blog as well. the blog spot is mostly for me to write and such.

overall i have been having an exceptional experience here at Living Light! i am very excited for the next 12 days i have left. tomorrow starts the two day Science of Raw Food. i am really looking forward to this part of the training. i will be taking my flower essences all day so i have a better chance of staying focused.

since the second grade i have been a "daydreamer" and often i find my self drifting off into the other world known as "brandieland". some friend named that place for me a few years ago. flower essences help me with that habit. i will do my best to get the most out of the next two days of lectures.

it has been raining nonstop for about 24 hours here in fort bragg. just like cambria, the town hunkers down when the rain shows up. tonight at the inn a bunch of students and i watched a dvd called the pleasure trap and sipped on tea.

well, i am going to end this.

much Love!

getting into the groove of school

2008-01-24T21:28:00.000-08:00

and watching the tides come in. on the lunch break of course. this scene is just a couple minute walk from the classroom. nice huh?

today we were given the usual green smoothie and green juice with E3 Live in the am. we needed that energy for todays work for sure.

it was all about recipe development. all the ins and outs of writing recipes, creating them over and over until they are "well rounded". we divided into our teams and were given assignments to develop a dressing and a soup recipe.

for me myself this was accually not that difficult because that is how i prepare food at home all the time. using my intuition as a guide. well today i had to work with 4 others with their input. i did learn some things in sharing this activity with a group i would not have learned on my own.

we made a raw mexican themed buffet today for lunch. we made raw tacos that were way better than any meat taco i have ever had. i will definately recreate that at home.

the essentials class will be winding down tomorrow with an exam. 10 more students will be leaving. that will bring the number in the class to 20 for the next two weeks. i am a bit sad to see a couple of them go.....

well i will keep it short tonight, i have to study.

lots and lots of LOVE

oh, today i realized that Cherie, the founder, director and main teacher at Living Light reminds me very much of Martha Stewart and the empire she has built. something Cherie said at the first day of class that i keep telling myself over and over here is

"the way you do anything is the way you do everything"

Fresh Organic = Healthy People + Healthy Planet

2008-01-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

today was So incredibly reFRESHing! they scheduled into our curriculum today to be a very easy day to digest all the way around. our systems were given a break from all the heavier, dense raw foods we have been given & made ourselves the past 5 days. all day it was fruit and most of them were juiced.

let me tell you, this morning was the usual green smoothie and E3 Live shots, at break we were served the green juice which i don't think i have said yet what exactly the green juices here are made of.....green leaves like romaine and kale, celery, apple, cucumber, ginger and lemon.

all morning we were in the classroom listening to lectures. the first 2 hours were all on the basics of RAW VEGAN NUTRITION. for example, answers to all the common questions like, where do we get our b-12? protein?, digestion, phytochemicals, enzymes, more food combining...oh and PH, acid/alkaline balance and the importance of pure water. i knew most of the information because i have read so many books on the subject. it was nice to hear it all again.

after the nutrition lecture we had a class on greens, identifying different lettuces & "weeds", then "fruits of the mother" class...all about the variety of fruits. different ways of cutting them and arranging them on platters. our lunch today was all fruit.

today at lunch i planted my sprout babies and did a power walk for an hour out in the fresh air. after lunch more lectures of setting up a raw food kitchen and the importance of purchasing ORGANIC food and we went even farther into buying LOCAL and sustainable eating practices. a moment for complete gratitude for the area of the world i live in where i can have the BEST FRESH LOCAL FOOD all season!!! a blessing for all the farmers who work so hard to feed me.

after the afternoons lectures we went into the kitchen and did two demos. one we did seasoned seeds and the other was zucchini pepper wraps. after that we had a ice cream social. the ice cream was made with frozen bananas in the green star juicer with chocolate & raspberry sauces. THE BEST RAW ICE CREAM EVER!!!! after that we were presented with a movie this evening called The Future of Food. all about genetically modified foods and the impact that has on our world. i wish i could say it was positive but it is not. i know i will not ever buy anything genetically modified. so sad what is happening to the small farmers these days. please watch it if you haven't yet. very serious business.

on another note, remember the poison oak i thought i had? then i thought it was gone....well, i still have it and i am SOOO itchy. my stomach itches a lot! i am starting to think that it is not poison oak. anyway, just thought i would share that. what the hell is under my skin????

putting LOVE into our food

2008-01-22T21:56:00.000-08:00

this is just as important as the other ingredients, don't EVER forget the LOVE or the food will not be as satisfying as it could be.

this morning we had lessons in the energy that goes into putting our recipes together, the importance of colors, balancing all the flavors, having a "relief" in a dish, basics to developing a recipe, rounding out flavors, contrasting flavors, flavors that compliment each other, all of this reminding me of an artist with paint or any other medium, Chef's use food as their art form. we are the artists learning our medium and all the possibilities. with food we have all the colors and 6 different tastes, sweet, salty, sour, spicy, bitter and fat.

this afternoon we had a few labs and a few demos.....one of the labs we played in was to take different foods from each category and put them with combinations we have never had together before and find some new foods that work well together.

here are some of my favorite new combinations i found today:

mango, avocado & basil

coconut, cayenne & apple

olives & basil

dark miso & apple

today they served us green smoothies in the morning with E3 Live then green juices at morning break. for lunch we had another vibrant salad bar. our snack this afternoon was a slice of the yummy apple pies we made in on of the labs we did.

i am walking every morning for over an hour before school, then i walk to school which is only about 7 or 8 blocks from the inn. at lunch when i am not eating our practicing my knife skills i will take a quick walk around the town. the fresh air feels really good after being inside so much. after school i walk back to the inn and take the long round about way, to get some more walk in the dark.

it has been VERY cold and wet up here. the full moon tonight is so beautiful and strong.

i love being around the students here. living light is an amazing place to be and i am so grateful every single moment to be experiencing this opportunity.

i have to get to the homework assignment for tonight. i will leave a picture from today with me and my team and our completed apple pie.

getting the essentials today

2008-01-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

another fantastic packed full day at Living Light!!! i even have some homework and studying to do so i have to make this quick....

as usual, first thing we arrive to our green smoothie & e3 Live shots. what a great way to begin every class huh....

am snack this morning was a green juice too...

my body is humming....

all morning we had labs.

stations that are set up and we are to go to each station and complete the recipe. we made granola, cabbage kraut, black forest cherry brownies, garden soup, pizza flax crackers and almond cheese.

this actually was a HUGE challenge for me because i haven't EVER followed a recipe. this was very important for me to learn how to do today!!!

after the labs in the morning we had another great salad bar. the pictures just got posted above my head i see...oh well.

after lunch today we had the knife skills lesson!!!! oh yes, i definitely learned a lot from this lesson. chopping, julienne, shredding, dicing, peeling all different types of veggies. after we had our lesson in knife sharpening, skills and safety we got to MAKE SUSHI!!!!

i did SOOOO well, as you can tell by my picture! i learned how to roll using the bamboo roller!

so, today was a super fun and challenging day. i definitely learned a lot! so with that i have to get to the homework.

happy sunday

2008-01-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

hmmmm, sometimes i really get stuck on what to title a blog that i just sit here and ponder for way too long and get unmotivated to blog just because i can not find a title in my head. how silly is that? then i write about that.

anyway, on with the days blog....

the picture i used was taken in my room here at living light inn. i love it, reminds me of me at my house in los osos, when i had 14 bunnies in the back yard at one time.

today we graduated from our FUNdamentals class. about a third of the students left today. the session began with nearly 40 of us and by the end of the whole chef's training (21 days) there will be around 20. it's amazing how close we are all getting with each other. it was sad to see a few of them leave today. they will be back to finish their training another time.

tomorrow the 5 day Essentials class begins at 8am and it is all week long from 8am to nearly 6pm. we will get to put on our chef's coat and use the knife's ourselves. i am really looking forward to learning more hands on this week for sure. the last two days were basically...the basics i pretty much already knew in live demo form. pretty much like watching the food network but so much better...all raw!!!

today they continued to feed us THE BEST FOOD EVER....when we arrived we get super green smoothies & E3 Live shots, for snack this morning they served us cinnamon oatmeal that was made from soaked and sprouted oat grouts and almond milk. for lunch we had a big amazing salad bar, spring mix with flowers, so many different kinds of sprouts, fantastic tomato basil dressing and an angel hair pasta (zucchini) dish and i love that i can get sauerkraut at this salad bar. then the pm snack was a delicious super easy to make carrot and pineapple cake. we do not have a moment to be hungry at school.

as far as exercise, well i get up early and walk for an hour before school, i walk to school and walk during lunch break and after school i walk back to the inn. i am missing Nia and pilates for sure!!! i checked out the gym in this town today and it is a really sad one compared to the one in Cambria. i don't see myself working out there. i will have to hold back on the weights and hard cardio for when i return back home.

the more i am away from cambria the more i miss it....i realize, i have a pretty great life there that i take for granted at times.

well this is it for tonight.

much love & gratitude

Hippy Birthday to Me!!!

2008-01-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

i am so grateful for today. i woke up early just like i planned. i went for a nice walk/jog around fort bragg this morning before the first day of school began. after the hour of exercise i juiced some of my favorite greens in the kitchen at the inn using the GREEN STAR JUICER (i am in LOVE) dandelion, kale, apple and celery and cucumber too.

i got to school at 8am, where they had green juice smoothies and e3 live waiting for us as we came into class. YUMMY!!!

FUNdamentals began with an orientation then we watched live demos. my favorite had to be the sprouting and wheat grass demos. i can't wait to get my own kitchen garden going now. i didn't realize how easy it really is to make super foods for pennies.

the teachers here at Living Light are so fantastic!

the students are all amazing as well. i LOVE the Eco friendly environment.

the directors (Sheri & Dan) believe that we all should do our part to leave a very light footprint on the earth and show respect along the way as well, and they have woven that throughout the program.

at lunch we all held hands around the amazing salad bar and blessed the food and the farmers who grew it. ALL the food served here is 100% ORGANIC - can it get any better than that?

this afternoons demos were great too....juicing is my new favorite thing and i swear i am hooked on getting a GREEN STAR JUICER. other demos this afternoon were making pates, smoothies, soups, brownies and wraps.

ahh, so much amazing raw knowledge.

anyway, today was a great day. nice to spend my 32nd birthday here in an enviroment that i love, doing what i love, learning more about what i love.

the only thing is i miss the ones i love, so much. space and time away is a growing time though. with that i am saying good night and i love you!!!

i am grateful

2008-01-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

to be here on the mendocino coast again.

what a day.....

i arrived in fort bragg yesterday

i will be here for the whole chef's training for 21 days!!!

21 full days of being completely saturated with raw knowledge.

today i met some of the students that will be taking the training with me. they have come from all over....singapore, japan, spain, london, chicago, new york, germany, michigan, canada.

only a couple of us are from california. i feel so fortunate that i didn't have to travel too far from home to have this experience. this place feels so special with all of us here for our different journeys.

class begins tomorrow at 8am...my 32nd birthday. i am looking forward to spending my birthday doing what i love. i have the alarm set for 530am. my intention is to wake up early and go for a nice long walk bright and early.

with that i am going to get to sleep early. i already had a long couple of days.

honey, i can't figure out how to get the pictures from my camera to the computer, even the manual hides the information. anyway, i can't post pictures until i figure that part out. coming soon

love love love

almost too afraid to say this

2008-01-14T20:48:00.000-08:00

and that will not stop me because i am feeling a NEED to get it out.

do not find it, sweep it under the rug and continue to trip over it.

GET IT OUT!!!!

the bad, maddening and self defeating habit peeks up an takes over today.

on the TRUTH side of this i have to say that today i had a very rough day

with the choices i made with food.

it started early when i woke up, i took an extra long hike up the bridge street hill which in turn made me late for work and NO TIME to juice and prepare my food to take to work.

that lends itself to a set up of excuses from that point on.

fresh bread from the bakery arrives right when i get there.

it's still warm and my job is to cut it and wrap it up for sandwiches.

i start to cut and the voice inside my head speaks up and tells me to just try a bite.

without another thought i do it, then just another one, and another one......i don't stop.

then i decide to have a cup of black bean soup with that little piece of bread and it doesn't stop there, this pathetic list goes on and on and i am going to spare most of the details.

the cups of coffee (another trigger food) i hit the deep dark side of food addiction with the goat cheese on toast. i feel the food addict amirge and take this whole binge to the end.

luckily the day is over and i have to go home.

as soon as i get home i fit the bathroom and throw up!

thank goodness, because i felt a bit better than totally awful!

looking back and remembering all this crazy nonsense eating today reminded me of being addicted to drugs. it just started with one little hit, then before i knew what happened i was in far too deep.

i couldn't stop, the urge was far too much to let rest and the drugs were in my blood.

same thing for most cooked food...........once it enters my body & hits my blood, the addiction takes over. today was scary for me in that regard.

i didn't want to stop and it wasn't about nourishing myself at all, something else. the binge today was about how i am still working on myself and overcoming this addition. i will have so many great, outstanding healthiest weeks ever and think i have a handle on it then all of a sudden that gets pushed aside to feed the monster inside. i know i am still working on this path with the best intentions for myself to be the healthiest i can possibly be.

putting today aside i had a fantastic weekend sharing extra time with my Honey. we saw a wonderful movie at the palm theater called Juno. very funny indeed!

i worked a few shifts and have 2 more to go before leaving for Living Light on Thursday. yes, i am very excited. looking forward to being away, meeting new friends, having new experiences with myself and others and sharing the knowledge i learn with everyone & anyone who wants to know when i return. i feel that being away from the restaurant i work in is a great thing for me right now too. being surrounded with health food to make healthy choices is going to be such a relief.

something else i wish to give thanks for is the beautiful conversation i had last night with Cody & Taylor. our conversations lately have felt so much more meaningful. i feel like i caught them at a good time and we were able to speak without a feeling of pressure sometimes present. i expressed to them that i am hoping to see them this year on their birthdays coming up. Cody will be 15 on March 28th and Taylor will be 10 on Feb 26th. and speaking of birthdays i will be 32 this Saturday!!!

it's time to end this blog and brink some herbal tea to help settle this poor tired tummy.

there i got the TRUTH out and it sure feels scary and a relief at the same time.

much Love

..........

2008-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

i Love raw potlucks, the community getting together, sharing healthy life-giving food and positive vibes. i enjoy seeing how excited we get over how amazing everything tastes. it's fun to watch the energy level go up in our bodies.

i came home tonight so jazzed up that i organized all the fresh local produce i purchased today at the farmers market and did all the dishes! oh how great that feels right now.... and i will thanking myself in the early morning when i wake up for the walk down santa rosa creek.

today i woke up happy.

that, is a relief, since yesterday i made up so many ridiculous stories about the past and future and while doing it noticing how much of the present moment i was wasting. the only peace of mind i got was when i went out for a beautiful afternoon walk up bridge street hill with Renee, even a few times then i observed the mind wanting to interrupt the listening. i am thankful that today was not a repeat of yesterday. i even asked mind at one point...um...what's going on, why are you going off on lies and nonsense? what came back is detoxing and i left it at that.

today is day 5 of getting back into 100% raw organic and at least 95% local fresh produce. over the holidays (big time stresses going on with the car accident and missing my boys) i turned to some food that wasn't the best. i think on christmas day i went way overboard, i don't think i ate anything raw and i drank coffee all day. that was a tough one.

and that's me using food, like a drug addict it feels.

i know what the difference is. i know how i wish to feel and i feel my best eating raw and juicing every morning and drinking herbal teas. i feel like running and spending time in nature and loving myself and others and being compassionate and wanting to do my part to be as eco as possible. that is how i wish to feel everyday. i wish for myself to be genuinely happy and feeling blessed all of the time, constantly, forever! do what i love and love what i do, always!

today, in the feeling of happiness i am aware that it feels amazing and that's what i am to be experiencing all the time, no matter what. i remember a time in my life that i was always happy. friends told me that they liked being around me because i was always smiling and happy and have a positive attitude and i remember that feeling authentic and real and i know i can feel that way again. real soon, ok, start now. i do my best.

on another subject, i registered to vote today. hurray for the lady at farmers market with the table to do just that. now i have to research how i will vote for. or i could just ask the friends i know that share the same ideas for some thoughts on this election.

this is all i have for the blog tonight, i am feeling like i need to cozy up for sleeping with onyx the cat. i love her.

Goodnight!

happy sunday

2008-01-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

it's been a very mellow sunday in the cambria rain. i have enjoyed all the wetness falling from the sky. i love how town slows down in the winter. we were without power all of friday and got to really experience what it is like to slow down. lighting the candles and turning on the battery powered radio.

on other note, i was just rudely interrupted by the itching on my arms and legs. i have poison oak AGIAN for the forth time in 12 months. what a bummer. how do i rid this karma i have with the oak? anyone know?

tomorrow i am off to the doctor to get the shot in the butt or the dose of pills, i have let this case go on too long.

besides that, health wise, i am back on track with the greens. it was frightening, for a few days last week i was completely out of fresh produce. i missed the farmers market on thursday, friday, farmers market was canceled because of the rain and i was without the fresh juice and GREENS and i started to fall back into food addiction issues in my head. those all went away as soon as i got the juice....balanced right away! craziness!

anyway, today i had some amazing raw wraps that i made. they were so easy and i will share. large spinach leaf with avocado, apple and i put some sea salted cabbage on top. today i started a huge batch of sauerkraut - used the sea salted cabbage that i couldn't fit in the jar to top the little wrap. an unexpected amazing burst of flavor!

12 days left until i leave for Living Light!

i have to end this blog i am getting very tired!

much Love

Past Present Future

2008-01-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

i am grateful for the day spent with the man i love. sleeping in, cuddling up, drinking yerbematte in bed while watching planet earth with the blanket over the window....ahhh i love that, no where we have to be routine, we can do whatever we want to.

today has been interesting for sure. i recognize that one can look at the past without getting stuck, hopefully lessons get learned, its best to be present, that is where the magic is and by what i think about i create.

so the intention for this blog is to help guide what i create for myself in 2008 and review 2007

i set a list of things i wish to create for my life in 2008, here are a few i will share.

Number one and most important to me is a promise to DO MY BEST to heal the relationship between my sons Cody and Taylor and I. This year is the year for that magic to happen and it is already working on a deep level i feel it and i plan to nourish our relationship in every way and make it a priority. i do that by calling them every week and whenever i feel i will, by being available, sending them cards and notes in the mail and pray every night for a quality visit. if i have to go to court to make that happen then i will.

Number two is my physical, emotional and spiritual health. i promise to create the perfect environment that supports all of the aspects of my life. i promise to stay physically active, and surround myself with the people who support a positive emotional and spiritual life.

Number three is to create prosperity in doing what i love. i promise to stay true to myself.

Some other things i have down are

to complete a 90 day global juice feast

to drive the best eco friendly car ever

to smile more often

to grow the most abundant garden ever

travel to amazing exotic places i have never been before

to take new friends to the rainbow gathering

to see brett dennen and michael franti in concert

to go to live oak festival with cody and taylor

2007 was a year of GROWTH and HEALING myself....

early on in the year i switched jobs to make more money, which turned out to support me better and i was able to pay off old debt that had been lingering for a couple of years. i saved up money to travel to the places i went like rainbow in arkansas and to see my mom in denver and catch a fantastic show at red rocks, i went to the raw spirit festival in sedona arizona, power to the peaceful in san fransisco and solutions for dreamers in santa barbara and saw jack johnson, spearhead & animal liberation orchastra. Camping in Three rivers and big sur for a weekend.... went to see ziggy marley in avila and i got to go to sisters of the dance. 2007 was eventful. i didn't even mention all the dance parties, raw food potlucks and local live music shows. i am grateful for those fantastic memories, all the friendships along the way.

2007 showed up to be a VERY healthFUL year for me. i spent all year studying raw food. i didn't eat meat of any kind, stayed 100% commited to a raw vegan diet for over 100 days, and i ate the least amount of dairy i ever have in my life. i went to the gym several times a week for most of the year. i took over 100 fitness classes, worked out on the weights often and i started to jog for the first time in my life in 2007. i took long hikes in the forest more than i ever have in my life. i even relearned how to hoola hoop.

ended an old idea and began a new one....

onyx found me

stopped smoking period. no more smoking of any kind.

2007 was the year to give back to my body that has been supporting me my whole life.

much healing took place around me and inside of me in 2007.

i am very blessed in 2007.

i look forward to 2008!

up, down, i am coming around

2007-12-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

what a roller coaster ride of emotions i have been on. is it the holidays? is it life without a car? what? so, i am changing my mind about it all i decided a few days ago, with the help of a very beautiful friend Suraya. she called, and i answered and my heart fell open, she caught it, got it and loved it and returned it with a new view and i chose to accept the gift she offered. the gift of choosing to look at things differently. don't give up on the dreams and plans i had made to punish myself for the accident that happened. she said many of the same things that Rich (the most amazing, compassionate, loving boyfriend in the whole world) has said to me before. i needed to hear it from her at that moment. thank you Suraya for making a difference in my life. i am choosing to see things differently and in a more pleasurable and playful way. for example, i will share....maybe it might help someone else....

instead of saying i have to go to work

say

i get to go play at indigo moon today

i get to meet many people i have never met before

i get to serve yummy food to hungry people

ect.....

i am so grateful to have a place to learn new things and meet new people and make lots of money too!!!

another one i used at my house is

i love to play around my house, picking up all the fun things i have and putting them away.

i get to play with laundry and putting all the clean clothes is so much fun.

going to the laundry mat is an adventure

so there it is, a change of attitude really helps to get through the stuff of life that offers us learning opportunities to grow.

oh, another thing, it has help me with is choosing healthy food for my body.

instead of saying

i can't have that piece of toasted bread with goat cheese

i say i prefer to put vibrant alive food that gives me energy into my body

which helps because i am telling the truth to myself

anyway, this is the bit i have for a beautiful saturday morning before i get to go to indigo moon and play. then afterwards, i am so grateful to have a date with my man.

hope this blog will inspire someone else to change their attitude about things, so it doesn't seem like such a struggle.

much love

i'll write about it

2007-12-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes i don't find as much enjoyment writing about the dark stuff i wish to forget or deny.

it's part of the journey though, part of the process. i will write anyway...

days like yesterday and today just confirm to me what healthy is and feels like.

and it IS NOT what i am feeling right now.

i choose right now to forgive myself. it really is part of the experience.

what happened? well yesterday i started off with the green juice then i get to work and start doing my job of opening up the restaurant and all of a sudden i start to get cravings for this fresh baked bread that arrived from the bakery and my mind starts going off about the smell, the softness and freshness of the bread...i disregard the temptation and move along. then after about an hour or so i get some news that the car i have been borrowing, since mine was totaled in the accident a few weeks ago, has been sold. my wings have been clipped, i go to this place of fear and doubt and worry and all that dark negative stuff. i know it's just a car, and i have become one who depends on it a couple of days a week. anyway, i get this news and immediately i turn to the bread for comfort and security. i even toast it and spread a small amount of goat cheese on it. ok, it doesn't stop there it goes to coffee with cream and i dipped ginger bread in it. i could go on and i won't, you get the disappointing point. i do get some instant relief and contentment, oh, for about 5 minutes then i feel AWFUL and i want to throw up. i am feeling bad and i realize this is the circle of self abuse and i just began the game with myself.

this car accident has reminded me of a lesson about myself. i am still healing, and something i forget about a lot is i am still not in charge! i like to think i am then something happens and shows me another way.

it doesn't look as though i will be on track for going through with the complete raw chef series at Living Light in january. i just can't seen to get past the accident and the thoughts of not having a car. i feel bad and i guess undeserving of the opportunity to go. i feel like somehow i should punish myself. i know how self absorbed that sounds. i am pretty down and depressed right now. numbing out with food only lasts so long then i have to face what comes up. i keep saying why does my life have to always be so freaking complicated? my heart always desires the best most positive experience and yet it seems to be a up hill battle for me.

this food addiction problem has been in my life since i was born. i can always remember using food to comfort, protect, abuse, manipulate myself. it's a lie, it's totally an illusion i know, it's just the coping drug that was convenient since i was a baby girl. when i had any emotion at all i was given food instead of love. i AM NOT blaming my parents at all it was just what they knew and i inherited these habits and accepted them. now i have spent my adult life figuring out how to release them. living a healthy and raw life style has been the one way that i have made progress through the food addiction drama. raw food doesn't allow one to be suppressed, depressed, it actually has allowed me to process so many hidden emotions. juicing brings me back to life and frees me.

i have to end this now. i almost want to erase what i wrote and i wont, maybe someone else needs to read it.

what a difference GREENS make

2007-12-09T19:34:00.001-08:00

i am a juicing Queen the last 10 days using almost all green foods like, celery, kale, cucumber, green apple, swiss chard, cabbage, dandylion and fresh herbs like parsley, cilantro, mint, water crest and green lettuces like arugala and mustard greens and at least a half a pound of fresh local organic spinach a day!!! also added to the mix is Spirilina (natures first food) which i have pretty much come to really LOVE! the combinations of all these foods varies depending on my mood and what sounds great at the time. i also add meyer lemons, garlic and ginger and a carrot here and there for fun. ...oh what fun...

how do i feel? i feel much happier, healthier and balanced with my body. the greens and extra juicing have put me back on track with where i wish to go.

the cloud over my head is totally gone and i am eager to get back up on the fitness program this week. i feel the knee injury from the car accident has had enough time to heal.

emotionally, the juicing helped me to recover there as well and i am very thankful!

since i cut out the yerbe matte (stimulant), i have noticed that makes a difference in keeping my energy level at a more even flow. there for a while i noticed a slight addiction/reliance on the effects that it had on getting me going in the morning. while the first 3 days of juicing i slept a couple of hours less each night and felt more rested and could easily move through the morning on herbal tea alone. yeah for that!

the holiday blues have turned into motivation and inspiration to be creative to use what i have to make gift for my friends and family this year.

i am SOOOOO grateful that i had a long conversation with taylor tonight on the phone. he is so smart and so amazing to talk to. he got a little care package ready to mail me tomorrow. he included a book report he did for school, school pictures and dirt biking pictures of cody that he printed off of myspace and cut out and a piece of orgami. so cute. i pray i receive it well. i love my babies so much and i am holding onto hope and saying a prayer tonight that i will get to see them the year for christmas. i can visualize and feel what that will be like. i will call diane (grandma) tomorrow and see if something, anything can be arranged.

on other matters, i am grateful for my job providing me with the money i require to go to living light and study raw food. i am manifesting another $800 dollars in the next 9 days to finish paying off my tuition. however that comes to me fairly, i am open to. i know that living light is where i am to be next month and i acknowledge the process i have to go through to get there. i am grateful for the opportunity.

that's pretty much all i have for tonight i am ready to indulge in the Anastasia book i am reading.

much LOVE

it's a juicy day

2007-12-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

So, i decided to juice all mostly local organic fruits and veggies for the next few days.

i have been feeling a bit out of balance and by that i am talking about craving certain cooked foods that are not okay for me and i need to tame my mind and get back on track and this is the way i do it.

i "juice it up" as rich likes to say.

today i had wonderful combinations of spinach, kale, celery, cucumber, carrot, turmeric & ginger root, garlic, dandelion, parsley. i have been hitting the yogi tea pretty hard too. (ha)

the tag on my tea bag i am drinking from right now says

"Life is a chance. Love in infinity. Grace is reality"

nice, simple and sweet.

just like the juice i drink.

this is all i really have to blog tonight.

i am ready to cozy up in bed with a good book.

much Love

Countdown

2007-12-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

to the day after christmas, when all this pressure will finally be over. the cards, decorations, presents, songs, advertising, rushing around....me, i just would like to minimize it all. i have said this many times before but the holidays are over rated and over marketed. i rebel and retreat to my own beat.

i don't mean to be a scrooge it's just that i feel like the world is WAY off balance and i am not into it. there is a WAR going on that we can't ignore and go on consuming like we are.

something i enjoy is the spirit of giving. giving of LOVE, HOPE, COURAGE, FAITH, a simple song, a warm hug, eye contact, an open heart, a story, a walk or anything that is given freely.

Living Light

2007-11-29T18:02:00.000-08:00

(I really like the photo booth option on the mac book. it works well with the blog spot. i also like this whole blog spot deal.)

Anyway, i am still here at the Inn in Fort Bragg....

Today i went and toured the school and i really like it a lot. the students i have met are super nice too.

i toured around town looking at potential places to stay while i go to school and i feel drawn the most to Living Light Inn, so i reserved a shared room for the 21 days that i am here in January. Oh, my Goddess it is SOOOO COLD here. i feel the winter weather here.

today i started the food plan/journal. and i think it is going to work. i tested it all day. this morning when i woke up i planned out the food i was going to eat and i followed it. the journal plan kept me from making spontaneous food choices that where NOT in my best interest.

i also bought a new book that jumped out at me today called "mindless eating".

tomorrow i head back to the central coast. back to the moon to serve up some more cooked food to pay the bills. i do give gratitude for all that the job has provided me.... i just know the difference now and that offers me the challenge of staying with it until its time to go.

for the next month i will be looking into a couple of ways to help me pay for tuition.

i have fully committed to attending school here in january and now i have to allow the universe to take care of the details.

it's going to be a joy ride!!!

Here in Fort Bragg

2007-11-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

i am on a wonderful adventure! i just checked in a little while ago to the cozy, eco-friendly Living Light Inn. i love everything about staying here so far. i felt very welcome and at "home" right away. the thing that thrills me the most is that it is all organic and the kitchen is stocked with all the items a raw vegan eater could dream up. oh and the first thing i did was take a LONG soak in the big bath tub.

the ocean is just down the street and so is the middle of town. kind of like where i live in Cambria.

the drive up here was nice. i listened to a recording of the raw summit with angella stokes. i gleamed some new helpful tips from her interview i plan to use. the food plan idea is a great idea for me right now.

i left last night and drove to oakland and stayed with Leah. then this morning we got up and went to Gratitude Cafe for a little late breakfast. i kept it light with a yummy juice of kale, celery, apple and ginger.

i am still feeling the effects of the poison (processed sugar) i put into my body a couple of days ago. i woke up yesterday and today with a puffy face and my body felt so sluggish and i felt down. i call this a food hang over. i can not do this to myself. it takes days to recover.

so, with the new idea of a food plan and the motivation of being around the idea of attending Living Light i am back on the path to positive health and living for good!

no more negative food for me, it makes me feel like crap!!!

the food plan should be done in the morning and i will follow through. i am starting this tomorrow and following it for 7 days. lots of juicing for sure.

tomorrow i will wake up early and walk down to the school and get a tour at 10am.

gotta go check out some local music at the coffee shop....

good night!

time will tell

2007-11-26T18:42:00.001-08:00

i want what i want, when i want it, damn it!!! that isn't very virtuous, i know, and it is the truth for me so much of the time.

this blog has and is really about ME, ME, and ME. i am in this mood, this space of mine at home feeling like i don't want to do anything although i want it all done for me.

i wish i didn't have to deal this the whole car wreck insurance and claim crap, i wish my house would pack & move itself into storage, and so on.

okay, so tonight i will just pack another two boxes and call it a night. tomorrow i will call the claim person back about the details of the accident she wants to know about.

there.

one thing at a time.

a note on the bright side, i spoke with my beautiful boys tonight and i got to share some Love with them.

i will see them soon.

alright this blog is it for me tonight, i have to get away from the computer and get into moving mode.

oh, ya, a bit about food. i have noticed since the accident i have gravitated towards some cooked food (for the wrong kind of comfort) and that has been so negative for me. tomorrow is a new day this is a new moment and that is not going to continue to be consumed by the wrong kinds of food.

this experience has showed me once again how i can use food to feed my emotions and wow it's so strong at times... that this will take a super hero to break me away from this addiction...

Surrender

2007-11-24T09:22:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning in such pain and sadness still! i barely slept last night, the sadness kept waking me up to say yep, this is sadness, then the sound of the wreck would play over and over, then the mind processing the whole event....was is my fault, his fault, why did this happen????

i have to remember that i am not alone in this, car wrecks happen everyday. we are super lucky to have walked away, and life will go on.

maybe i am not ready to leave my house. maybe i am not meant to go to Living Light right now. is this what had to happen to slow me down?

therefor i surrender. i am surrendering to the place in me that knows more. the Light, the Love the Greater Forces at work in the bigger picture. i can say God and that feels real too. i have faith. i am doing my best to accept the truth of this and move along and not get stuck.

last night while i was laying in bed feeling all the physical pain a book beside my bed that i have been wanting to read for a couple of months now spoke to me..."You can Heal your life" by Louise Hay. How appropriate at a this moment. so i began to read it and truly the pages spoke to me. the art work followed. such a beautiful inspiring book. one of the most beautiful i have ever read.

the thing that really stuck with me she said.... the hardest thing for me to do and how much i resist it, then i am looking at the greatest lesson at that moment. Surrendering, giving up the resistance, and allowing myself to learn what it is i need to learn will make the next step easier. don't let resistance stop me from making the changes. observe, watch myself resist, and then go ahead anyway.

Slow Down

2007-11-23T16:44:00.000-08:00

well, fuck, there's nothing more irritating than life slowing you down just when you get on a roll! the lesson for me today is SLOW THE FUCK DOWN AND BE PRESENT IN EVERY MOMENT or greater forces alive will do it for me!

now i lay here at stop still and forced to be with the pain all over my body.

the pain is caused by a collision i had with another car this morning on highway one. thanking god right now that nobody was seriously injured physically. all of us walked away. my car is totaled and the other car drove away and i am not sure who's fault they are going to say it is. i truly don't think it was mine. i had no other choice than to crash into the car in front of me. i guess blame really is not the point of all this anyway.

i am not really sure there is a point.

just sadness and healing i am working through right now.

that's it

Letting go

2007-11-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

just a bit more about letting go then i am REALLY letting go.....i promise to myself!

i had a good cry last night. the tears came from the place of sadness that is where i left my boys. i wish so much to be near them that it hurts so i cry and cry. afterwards i fall asleep and see them in my dreams. we are together and feeling so much love and comfort. i felt taylor's head near my heart and cody right beside. i know they love me and they know i love them. i just have to practice patience in that our time to be together again will be soon.

i am proud of myself for not eating my way through the emotional garbage that came up last night, shoving it down further... instead i chose to acknowledge the feelings and feel them instead of ignoring them and covering them up. yeah for me that is a big step!

letting go of ideas i have in my head will serve me just like letting go of the clutter around me does. it allows space for me to grow. here again i am letting go!

letting go is the theme for today. that works well since i am packing and emotionally ready to break free of the bondage of my mind. it does not mean that i am letting go of the memories though. those are in my heart forever. i am letting go of the hurt and pain that doesn't serve me anymore.

on a more positive note i am doing lots and lots of workouts, sometimes twice a day. i am feeding my body THE BEST food available. i am finishing unfinished business and moving right along on the packing scene in my house. i am SUPER excited!

i received the confirmation from Living Light in the mail today. they received my first tuition payment and i am enrolled! they included a packing list and all the things i need to know about the school, classes and staying in fort bragg! i leave on Tuesday evening to head up there with my mom to visit for two days.

anyway, that's it for now. i have to stop procrastinating and get to living.

The Holiday's are so Tough

2007-11-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

why is it that i feel this sadness inside during the holiday's?

why do i just want to be with myself and be sad?

i have so much to be grateful for.... loving parents who care, two healthy & happy boys, an amazing beyond belief boyfriend who adores me, the greatest friends on the planet, i am in the BEST health of my life and totally taken care of and on and on.....

...yet when it comes to the pressure of this time of the year i retreat and feel sadness.

okay, yes i do know where most of it comes from and that is the piece of my life that still is left open and unfinished. the sadness i feel comes from not being with the ones i love most in this world, the two babies i brought into this world. without them during this time i feel so incredibly sad, mostly because this is the time of the year where families come together and mine is torn apart, even after all these years.

i will ask for what i REALLY want in my heart right now.

i wish to replace this sadness with Love for the WHOLE Ayers family.

i LET GO of resentment, fear and anger and embrace the HOPE and FAITH that we can all come together in LOVE for Cody & Taylor.

what i choose to imagine is a family sharing in the joys of the holiday spirit.

right now i will do my best to focus on that and not the sadness i feel in my heart. as i have noticed is that the more i focus on "it" the more "it" expands and i choose "it" to be positive.

well i am glad i got that all worked out for today, that was pretty heavy to wake up to on a monday morning....

i am off for a walk.

much love

Making Big BIG Changes right now!!!

2007-11-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

SO.....

i AM making some big changes....

i made a decision to attend Living Light Raw Vegan Culinary Arts Institute in Fort Bragg - on the Mendocino Coast 6 hours North of where i live right now. I will live there while attending the school. Classes begin on January 19th, which is my 32nd birthday and end February 8th. They are the fundamentals and essentials, the science behind the food and ending with a Raw Culinary Arts Associate Chef and Instructor Certification. i plan on going further into advanced classes in the future. For right now i am starting here.

i gave my 30 day notice at my house and a two month notice at my job. the plan is to put the few things i am still holding onto (scrapbooks, pictures) into storage. then head up north to experience what it is like BE there.

Outwardly i am purging, wrapping up and packing away all the "things" in my home. Super exciting, it feels really freeing to going through this process right now. How nice is it that i live right across the street from a thrift store that's profits go to the homeless animal rescue? it makes getting rid of stuff SO EASY!

i am working as much as i can to earn the money i still need for tuition. the total i still need to get in is $3510. by the 18th of December. i made the first deposit of $900 to hold my space. beyond that i still need to pay for lodging at the school which is $30 a night.

Inward i am am fighting off the "monkey mind" that wants to stop me from making this change and that is such a challenge for me to get past sometimes. i feel really confident in this change that i can override the bs my head can come up with most of the time.

the holidays are approaching and it's a tough one for me when i still am being denied my children. i have been taking action to get through the court crap.

i am visualizing an AMAZING HEALING AND VIBRANT 2008!!